Profile pictures

So I was bored and I thought I'd go check out who's out there on the dating websites. UUmm are you kidding me?!?! I feel like there's a horrible double standard going on or perhaps it's all in my head. As a female I feel like I have to have glamour shots up just to get noticed, but these guys have up blurry photo after blurry photo on their profile or pics of them in hats and sunglasses. I don't know about you, but sunglasses can make ugly people look good. I mean if  I posted a bunch of photos of myself with sunglasses on I'm quite confident that the number of responses I get would be few and far between so why is it OK for guys? Guys don't take pictures like girls do I get that, but now a days every cell phone has a camera on it, go stand in your bathroom mirror and take a goddamn clear picture of your face. Men aren't the only visual creatures. Women also like to have something nice to look at too.  Looks aren't everything, I'm fully aware of that, but considering I'm not accidentally bumping into this guy in public and having a random interesting conversation that makes me want to know about him even though perhaps he's not the most attractive guy does mean you need to peek my interest with something.

Maybe I'm just being ridiculous, but I think that guys should at least try to make me want to talk to you. A blurry photo doesn't make me want to message him  and say hi. Pictures of his dogs do though. Pictures of him and some girl don't make me want to send him a message or wink at him. I don't care for a bunch of pictures of  him from far away surfing or wake boarding or fishing or kayaking. Reading that he does that in his bio is good enough.I do like tattoos so sometimes I like when a guy posts a picture of one of his tattoos up close, but it's overkill if he more than 2 photos of his tattoos Write about it in your bio. Gang signs and him posted up like a wanna be thug aren't appealing either. If I wanted to date Rick Ross I'd be hiding out by his tour boss and stocking his record studio. Photos of guys with children are cute, however if they aren't his I kind of feel like you should save that for facebook.  Perhaps I'm just being super critical though. I'm sure someone could probably have a field day with my profile but my pics are only of me. I don't include pictures with me and friends. I crop them out I don't need the competition. I know how sleazy guys can be and I don't ever want a message that asks for my friends number or to partake in a 3 some. Thank Goodness my friends are too prudish for that. Also I don't post pictures of me that are blurry or 5 years old Keep it current, you know you don't look like that anymore.

I could  have a field day telling you what guys write in their bios. Sometimes I definitely feel like sometimes it's too much, there's not much else to say or talk about after that. I know everything about you, so what are we going to talk about?

Some people turn their noses up at online dating, but for some people it's a convenient way to meet people for whatever reason. Humans are naturally creatures of habit(in my opinion) and sometimes there are people that just don't go everywhere. I go to the gym, then home, then work, then home sometimes, it's school, home, work, the gym. every once in a while I might thrown in an outing to a bar or movie or restaurant. Generally always the same places. That's a very small pool of people to meet and going out all the time to everywhere isn't really who I am, online dating provides a much wider selection of people to meet. But again I  don't be on them every day. It's one of those things where I'm like bored and there's nothing on TV and no one to text and nothing on you tube I'm interested in watching. Although If I get an e-mail that says I have a message in my inbox I'll go check obviously. But I'm not an active member, online dating is my backup plan to my backup plan.

Maybe he's cute, maybe he's not....maybe he has a giant zit on his nose, maybe he doesn't... maybe he's cross eyed, maybe he's not. He might have a Mike Tyson tattoo on his face, which btw isn't that awesome looking


Would this picture make you want to message him?  well I guess if you were really into photography you might.

"I'm too busy for a relationship, but..."

I've always hated when people claim to be "too busy" for a relationship. I feel like unless you work 50+ hours a week,  have an on-call job,  or travel a lot for work you have no right to say I'm too busy for a relationship. Anytime someone says that line in the back of my mind I'm thinking What a cop out. If you weren't interested that's all you had to say. I bring this up because I ran into a guy from my past last week. I happened to be at his job and I saw him and we started texting again. Stupid me. After a couple days I remembered why I stopped talking to him in the first place.  So apparently in his eyes I'm only good for one thing. It's very apparent because every conversation we have always ends up in the same place. So during one of our conversations I made it clear that if  he wanted what he wanted from me he'd have to be dating me. His response was, "I work a lot and don't have time to put into a bf gf thing...i'm open to something like meeting up 2-3 times a week if you were". Those were his exact words. I read that and wanted to just throw my phone. I don't understand how that even makes sense. You don't have time for a relationship but you have time to meet me 2-3 times a week for sex?? I think that's a bunch of BULL SHIT.  

So my conclusion is that he doesn't want to be in a relationship because of financial reasons. Going out on dates is not cheap. It can't be time, he texts me all day and if you have time to meet up 2-3 times a week that's time that could be spent going out to dinner, hanging out, watching a movie, etc. Possibly It could be his last girlfriend was a nag or crazy or something so he just doesn't want the frustrations and complications associated with relationships. Perhaps maybe he's just not interested, but I think I'm quite interesting.  I could be here all night trying to guess why he has presented this ridiculous proposal. I decline any such offer though. I'm not that kind of girl. I'm so much better than that.  

I wish people would stop using that excuse unless of course they legitimately don't have time for a relationship.  I would hope that both parties are adults, If the other person understands that you have a busy life you can make something work if you really want to. Seriously, If you are that interested in another person than you will make any necessary changes to fit them into your schedule. If you aren't really interested you're a lot more likely to not make much effort for anything so of course it wouldn't work. I'm a very understanding person. If some guy I liked told me he had a busy schedule but was still interested in trying to make something work I'd be all for it. I have a life too. I'm not just sitting at home all day doing nothing and waiting for his every text message. We all have days off work and even though they may not always match up doesn't mean you can't find time for each other. If you meet the right person time doesn't have to be an issue. Some women require a lot of time and then there are those women that don't require all your time because they have their own life too and there every waking moment doesn't involve their boyfriend/companion/significant other/etc.

So there's this guy and...

So there's this guy that's been talking to me. I'm 100% positive that he likes me. We've never met that I can recall. I'm not even sure how I know him and how we started talking but my intention is never to be rude. I'm just not that kind of person. So I've indulged and I've talked back. When it was just texting he didn't seem to bad. I was thinking PROSPECT but now i'm thinking FRIENDS ONLY. We talked last night on the phone. He's not at all what I'm looking for. He's 31, which is a little older than I'm looking for. He doesn't have a ride and lives in Palm Coast, FL which is a good 20+ minute drive for me. I like to date people with rides because sometimes it's nice when someone comes to pick me up every now and again instead of me driving every where all the time. I don't mean to sound shallow or insensitive but intellectually I'm not sure he can keep up with me (That's about as P.C. as I know how to be). Sometimes you can just kind of tell. He doesn't like sports and I love sports and I want to be able to hang out on the couch on a Sunday afternoon and watch football with my boyfriend(whenever I can find one worth my time).  He also said something that kind of concerned me. He said his last girlfriend was my age,24, and that they had dated for 7 years. If I do my math right than he was dating her while she was 17 (that's a little too close to being illegal for me). Anyways that's not really the part that bothered me the most. He mentioned that she had cheated on him a total of 2 times throughout the relationship and that he wouldn't mind going back to her.  After I heard that my skin was on fire. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU WANT TO BE WITH A CHEATER??????

I don't take kindly to cheating, although I have been the other woman on more than one occasion so I get how someone could see my comments as hypocritical, but personally speaking I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a cheater. Maybe if a guy did it once I'd be able to forgive him but I'd make him work like hell to make it up to me. If there was a second time, I'd be out the door faster than superman could change into his costume. First and foremost, I don't need a man in my life that bad. So if he can't treat me like I deserve to be treated than I don't need to waste my time. Secondly, there are too many complications involved when someone you're dating becomes a habitual cheater. There's those random messages from other woman flaunting it in your face that they've slept with your man, there's the risk he brings home some disgusting disease and passes it on to you, and the dreaded "she's pregnant and it's mine" conversation. I don't want to have to deal with any of it. If he can't keep it in his pants than I can't stick around. Just how I feel.

The only plus this guy has going for him is that he has a job, which is super important because I don't want to be stuck paying for everything. I try to be open minded but I know what I want and I don't want to waste my time pursuing something I know isn't going very far.

There's another prospect, however I'm thinking this too is a waste of my time. I'm not ready to make a full assessment yet, but I've been around the block several times and so far in the few conversations we've had I can already smell disaster coming.  Who knew finding someone to date could be so hard. My boyfriends don't last longer than 3 months and I haven't been able to find anyone worth trying to attempt to make it to at least 3 months with. FML!

I had a 7th grade moment

So if you know me then you know that I could give two shits about a guy who stops talking to me. I never make a big fuss. In my world when one guy stops talking to me there's at least two other guys who I can start talking to. But for some reason this last guy that all of sudden stopped talking to me annoyed the shit out of me.  I mean after all I did drive an hour and a half  at 11 O'clock at night to see him and then after that I don't get any response at all? Am I not entitled to some sort of response? 

After spending the night with him I developed a sore throat and I had it for a few days I thought I would message him and make sure he was OK. I don't like to cause other people to get sick. That's not who I am, so i was genuinely concerned but he said nothing. My feelings were a little crushed. We talked for a long time leading up to that night and now i'm just cut off and not a second thought is being given about me like I was left overs tossed in the trash. I mean I don't know if maybe I seemed to give off the impression that I wanted to take his last or have his child or even start a relationship. I truthfully just wanted to make sure he was OK. I guess shame on me for giving a DAMN about someone other than myself. 

So anyways after like 3 weeks of no returned text messages in an adolescent fit I sent him a text message that read "I guess I'm not good enough for you to talk to me anymore...If you're dead that sucks but if you're alive YOU SUCK". Like I said that kind of behavior is not who I am so I'm really surprised that I did it. What's wrong with me? I've always prided myself on not being like those other psycho chicks out there who go crazy and I just sort of stooped to their level for a second. Hopefully that never happens againthough.  It made me realize that I care too easily and I should learn to keep a distance til I know it's in my best interest not to.  

people shouldn't text when they are angry, you might say some things you can't take back 

My dating rules

So as I've stated before I'm seasoned. I've obviously failed a lot but I've learned from every experience. So I've developed a list of rules for myself that may or may not be so effective.

So at the top of my list is meeting men at bars. If there's an alcoholic beverage in his hand and he's trying to take my number I can't take him seriously. Been there done that and it's never worked out well. So I've decided to just avoid it. If a guy approaches me with a drink in his hand or I can tell he's slightly intoxicated my mind has been trained to think he's looking for one thing and that's not what I'm willing to offer.

If he can't bring me around his so called roommates that's a 'red flag' and he's not worth my time. We're all adults and if I can't be around your roommates your ashamed or hiding something. I live with my parents and I'd bring a guy home in a heart beat even when I have a reputation of bringing guys home and then my parents never see him again. It's a running joke in my house. I can't blame my family though. I make jokes about it to. I told one guy once that It's OK if he came over because no one will expect to see him again. I think it came off wrong though. He didn't think it was funny. I was just being honest. I knew I'd never talk to him again after the night was over.

Guys with kids. It's cute but I run. I can't help it. I've been there done that and it didn't turn out in my favor obviously. People who have kids together can't help but to try to work it out or make each others lives a living hell. None of which I want any part in. It worse with guys with young kids, but given my age I'm not looking to date anyone who has a 14 year old cause he'd be over 30 and that's a little old for me and i'm not sure I would want to be hanging out with a 14 yr old. I'm only ten years apart and sometimes I still feel like a young person, so i'm not sure i'd be a good influence anyways.

I don't date bums. If he's not working it doesn't work for me. And not just cause I don't want to pay for everything. Actually my biggest fear with guys who don't work is that they're going to have way too much time on their hands and they're going to want to text me all day or hang out all the time. that's not who I am as a dater. I don't want to talk to you every waking moment and I don't want to spend all my free time with you either. I need my own time. I dated a guy who would text me all the time. It was SUPER ANNOYING. I always wanted to reply with " GET A LIFE" but I thought that was rude(kind of appropriate though).

I don't date shut ins. If I'm going to date a guy he needs to have a life and friends. I want to be able to take him out with me and my friends and in return do the same with his friends. Plus again I need to know while I'm off having a life he's doing the same so i don't feel guilty about not texting him all the time or spending all my free time with him either. I'm social and I like social people. If his idea of a good time is playing video games all day in his boxers and not having any person to person contact, that concerns me. It's important to me that who ever I date is not socially awkward and it's safe to bring him around people.

I don't date guys who lack ambition. I have goals. I think goals are important to have in life. Being around someone who doesn't have goals for too long scares me because I don't want to fall into a complacent state of mind. It also has the potential to end things, because if I'm trying to do things and go places and the one I care about doesn't want to there's no reason to stay together.  I want the one i'm with to care and be supportive and go along on the ride with me. Success is more satisfying when you have someone special to share it with.

On a first date there's a 4 beer maximum. If you have to drink more than that to spend time with me then I'm obviously not worth your time. I want to remember the date when I wake up the next day unless of course it was a horrible date. Then I'll drink till I can't walk straight. It's a huge turn off to be a first date with someone who can't stop drinking. It makes me feel like I'm not interesting enough for him sober and I'm not into drunk dating.

If He stands me up, even just once and the excuse wasn't that his foot was being cut off in the ER from a bike accident I don't want none. I've been stood up numerous times and it's still a horrible feeling. It never gets easier. But I can't trust a guy after that. How hard is it to send a text? or hit up my facebook? Everyone these days is fully connected.

I don't really want to meet a guys buddies on a first date either. I'm trying to get to know him alone without the extra distractions. I'd like to get to know him a little before I have to get to know his friends too. It's a huge turn off.

I don't like double dating. If we haven't been together for at least a few months (like 3 or 4) going on a date with another couple is nauseating. I'm just saying. I'm not a fan because this is what happens, the other couple usually has been together forever so they know each other pretty well and they have so many stories and there's that awkward moment when they ask a bunch of questions or when they are being lovey dovey and I'm thinking to myself I've only known this guy for a few weeks, I don't know his favorite color or remember his birthday and last time I checked we still haven't had sex so there's a lack of affection and now i'm being forced to watch some couple I just met slobber all over each other. CHECK PLEASE! 

I might be doomed ....

Apparently I suck at dating or I have horrible taste in men. Either way I'm Fucked if I plan to get married off one of these days. So as i'm bored laying in my bed because that's the only thing that has been remotely comfortable because my body hates me and decided it wanted to make my life a living hell over the past three weeks. I've been sleeping a lot and just aimlessly lying in bed staring up at my ceiling. I've had all this time to think about my past. I started off sleeping with guys on the first date because I wanted to say a BIG Fuck You! to dating rules. I think it's BS that I would be expected to wait 4 dates or a couple months before sleeping with someone just because some book said that's the rules. FUCK THAT we're all adults here. I want it and he wants it, what's the big deal? Why does everything have to be so damn complicated. I hate the dating game. It blows. So anyways I eventually said well sleeping on the first date isn't really working for me so maybe I should try it the other way. The first time I tried it was with the Scam artist. It was great. I mean I never knew I had enough to control to say 'no'. I was dying though. I really wanted it. But since I thought he was a really great guy I didn't want to risk it. We spent every night together for like a week. No sex. It was actually perfect then he fell off the face of the earth and stopped texting me, calling me, didn't respond to my e-mail either. What a huge blow to my confidence btw.  I didn't want that one experience ruin it for me so I tried it again. I was talking to this guy. We hung out a few times with no sex and then poof he stopped texting me. I have to admit it hurt my feelings. If I sleep with a guy I don't hear from him again but If I don't sleep with a guy  I still don't hear from him again but I guess at least I still have my dignity and that's one less name on "the list".

I find myself confused and pretty hopeless. I mean I'm damned either way which kind of makes it pointless to even pursue.  I'm still trying to be pretty hopeful in the long run maybe all that I've had to endure will pay off and I'll finally meet Mr. Wonderful, but I can't help but get exhausted some times. It's been a really long disappointing  hopeless lonely road.

Official Honest moment #3

So recently I started thinking about my past. While on this journey traveling back into my past I didn't like what I came to realize. I didn't love myself. At the time obviously I wasn't able to realize it but I am now. There's no way I loved myself because a person who loves herself doesn't sleep with as many people as I have. It could have easily been an addiction or a terribly awkward phase in my life. But by engaging in the behavior that I was I put myself at risk for all kinds of problems. I could have easily become a mother, although my ovaries are retarded so the likelihood was very slim, but still possible. I could have easily contracted some life altering disease or found myself in a position that doesn't just go away by clicking your heels 3x and mumbling "there's no place like home".  I wish I knew what was going through my mind or why I was so careless. I know there were times where I felt ashamed and there are certainly plenty of men that were a total waste of time. I wanted to stop but I didn't seem to know how to control myself and say 'No'. It's like I felt obligated to go through what I started out to do. I'm not sure why I felt obligated though. My only guess is that I didn't want to a disappointment to him even if it meant degrading and devaluing who I was. I try to be a person of my word and I hate not following through on things but I  forget where to draw the line. Luckily age has worked in my favor and I seem to have moved on from all that. I think I have grown so much as a person over the past year and a half but I don't know if that person that I was is capable of returning. It kind of scares me. I think I've always been a bit of a attention whore my whole life but not in the best of ways sometimes.

I'm going through a physical change in my life and when I like the way I look again and others, mainly guys, notice am I going to be able to resist the intoxication of all their attention? Am I strong enough now to do what I couldn't do before?  Do I love myself enough to say no? It's definitely something that I should think about and prepare myself for.  I'd like to believe that once a whore doesn't mean always a whore. People can change. I have to have hope that I am one of those people. I think I love myself... I'm certainly not proud of all the things I've done with my life but not all of our actions define us as a person. There's so much about me that is worth loving.

Slow your roll Mister

So last night I was watching a movie with my dad and my phone rings. It was a 904 area code and the number wasn't in my phone. I answered and said 'hello' twice then hung up because there was no response. They called again and I answered and said 'hello' twice. Still no response so i hung up. I really don't appreciate when people call my phone and don't say anything. So I returned my attention back to the movie and a few minutes later my phone goes off. This time it was a text from the mystery caller. I was like " who's this?" and  they said _ _ _ _ _ .... Yo cock sucker, that's a fucking common name, did you just expect me to know who you were right off hand. So of course I have no idea who i was talking to. I was trying get him to give me some clues. Didn't ring any bells till like 20 minutes after the fact. I'm pretty seasoned. If  a guy is texting you many moons later he only wants one thing. So the 'stop' sign is already up. He doesn't know that of course because guys are slow. I wasn't overly responsive last night and I didn't respond to him at all today either. While I was work he called but because i was working I obviously wasn't able to answer(not that i would have). Then strangely oddly enough he decides to send me a picture of his penis. WHAT IN THE HELL MADE HIM THINK THAT I WANTED TO SEE THAT???? I didn't even really remember him through regular conversation was he thinking that I would mysteriously recall him by the way his penis looked? Seriously... I just don't get it. I couldn't tell you what this guy looked or smelled like or talked like. The only thing I remember about him is while he was at my house he asked to use my shower. Uuumm I don't know about you, but that's not something that happens to me on a regular basis. I was hesitant because my bathroom wasn't the cleanest at that time, but my brothers shower was atrocious and I didn't want to give the guy nightmares.  I plan to just ignore this guy going forward. Hopefully he'll catch on and stop bothering me. I'm not Interested AT ALL. He didn't really leave much of an impression then and he's certainly not leaving a good impression now.  Plus I know he only wants sex and I'm not that girl anymore. Sorry Fellows.

I think I should honestly just leave well enough alone with all these guys popping up from my past. They looking for the old me and she's gone. Plus it never goes well anyways so i'd just be wasting my time. The only thing I want to waste my time doing is watching TV. 

so while I'm speaking of guys from my past. Previously I talked about the dilemma I had with my Ex. Well I tried to talk to him and wanted to have a conversation face to face however that didn't seem to work out. He doesn't respond to my texts in a timely manner and that frustrates the hell out of me. Anyways since we're facebook friends I decided to see his page and maybe try to understand why he'd basically ignored me. Turns out he has a girlfriend. You tell me you want me... and I try to get a chance to hang out with you and get a feel for who you are now versus how I remember you and you blow me off.... THANKS ASS HOLE!  I'm not overly upset because part of me thinks that nothing has changed and I was setting myself up for disaster to think any different. but still its the principle of the situation. ya know? whatever, that's my life, I should be used to it.

I drove 185.6 miles roundtrip for a sleepover

So I finally met the "the wrestler". We've been texting for quite some time and we've always talked about meeting but the timing is always off. He lives an hour and half  away so it's not just practical for me to jump in the car and go. Well this past Thursday I did just that. It was ten o'clock and he was like come  over. I was feeling ballsy so I showered and got in my car and drove. It wasn't a bad drive, but I-4 really sucks. The speed limit starts out at 70 then gradually works it way down to 50 then back up to 70 just before getting off at his exit. I was paranoid the whole way about speeding or being pulled over but at the same token I really wanted to get where I was going. So when I got there i was super nervous. I didn't really know how to act or what to say. He's cute and much better looking in person. He was very respectful and even though he was exhausted he tried his best to stay up and entertain me. I drank an energy drink on the way over so I was full of energy. He has two dogs and they were well behaved. I got to meet with them and pet them for a little then he put them away in the other room and i didn't hear a peep from them for the rest of the night. It was nice. As we know from a previous blog I'm not a fan of dogs that run crazy and bark and scratch at the door when you lock them away.

I'm still shocked at myself for driving that far just to hang out with a guy. And if you happen to be thinking it, the answer is NO, we didn't have sex. We kissed. It was ok. He's not a bad kisser. there's certainly potential, but i'm not looking to get ahead of myself. He has big strong hands and arms and it felt so good to be in his arms kissing him. He's a total beef cake. He does have an intelligent side but at first glance you would just think he was a total meat head. His body is amazing. In the morning when I saw him in just his underware my first thought was "Oh damn!! I spent the night with that, how'd I get so lucky" I mean I'd show you, but then you just might hate me. So I didn't sleep very much when I was there. We went to bed around 5 am and by 8:30 I was wide awake. He was sleeping though. he snores and sleeps like a rock so I didn't feel concerned at all about my snoring. I normally don't like spending the night with any guy because im embarrassed about my snoring. It's loud, no lie.  But I drove an hour and half I wasn't going to drive another hour and a half back home with out resting. 

So everything about the night was perfect. The only thing missing was the simple fact that he's not my boyfriend. I can't say if he's the one. But I had to keep a certain level of distance I didn't want to find myself in a situation where I fall for a guy who doesn't feel the same. We've never talked about what he wants or what I want. I've been afraid to ask. I dont want him to think I'm looking to get married tomorrow. I dunno I'm going to approach the topic lightly if I decide to. Our future conversations might tell me everything I need to do without ever having to ask what he wants.

I love my boobs

So I've been hitting up the gym religiously since June 1st and I've lost weight. So far I'm down 31 lbs. I was stuck at 30 for a little but I'm working to get the pounds dropping off again. Anyways I've noticed that a couple of my bras are fitting me differently and it seems as though my boobs might be shrinking a little. That makes me sad. I love my boobs. Ive had them for so long and they have always been rather big. I have no idea what it is like to have to have small boobs. I'm praying that when I'm done loosing weight that I don't loose all my boobs. I'm famous for my cleavage. I really wouldn't know what to do without it.   Judge me if you want but I just can't have little boobs. I would seriously go under the knife and get plastic surgery to get my boobs back. I don't want like Pam Anderson boobs but I do want to look proportionate. A D-cup would be nice. I wouldn't go any bigger than that.  I love my boobs!  call me crazy. Boobs are a very feminine feature on a woman's body and create nice lines and curves that keep your body looking womanly and not manly. Plus I may be black but I wasn't blessed with a Beyonce booty so I make up for it with my boobs. You need at least one and you can't have none. I don't care what people say, looks are important to a certain degree and a certain level symmetry and curves makes you appealing. Nobody wants to date a refrigerator box.  Just saying.

So I know it's been awhile

So It's been some time. I've wanted to blog however I've been unmotivated. A little depressed really, I've been blogging since the end of February, so its been 7 months. Things have been rather stagnant...I kind of wish I had more exciting things to tell everyone about.  My personal life has been a rollercoaster. This past week I had to watch them put handcuffs on my brother and take him away. To think that every time I walk up stairs he's no longer going to be in his room asleep and snoring ridiculously loud or asleep on his toilet with the door wide open snoring ridiculously loud sucks. For the next however many years I'm going to have schedule times to talk to him on the phone or make appointments to see him where ever he ends up. I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it. You never think it could happen to your family and then it does, and its earth-shattering, legit. I kid you not.

So on to another subject that isn't going to make me cry. I'm not in a crying mood right now. So I went to get a new tire on Friday morning and the guy who was changed my tires was cute and hitting on me. Inside I was blushing. I'm a man whore and I love the attention but when he mentioned that he had a kid my mind threw up all these red flags immediately. I honestly have a real metal block that doesn't even allow things to go anywhere. It's a Speed bump I put up that no man can get over. But he was cute. Now I'm quite sure he wasn't the one, but without giving him a shot how am I to know for sure. I'm beginning to think that my phobia is getting in the way. It seems like most guys these days have kids. I have to remember this isn't 5 years ago. Children are beautiful, but seriously?!?! Did everyone just forget about birth control? UGH.... my love life is doomed.

Girls who make a fool of themselves

Ladies I have two words for you: NOT CUTE. So I was just watching an older episode of 'Millionaire Matchmaker' and there was a millionairess that was a hott mess and totally living with her head in the clouds. Best quotes from Patti: "She looks like a box of crayons exploded on her face" and "Hello kitty doesn't get a hard cock."  I wanted to cringe. WHAT"S WRONG WITH THIS GIRL?? I'm not saying that at size 26 you can't get a hott guy. But let's be real if he's really that hott, what makes you so special that he's going to want to be with you and not miss size 10 over there on the other side of the room? So this millionairess, Robin, was all about Pink, Hello Kitty, her 2 dogs( Bruiser and Paris Hilton), and drinking. She was sipping wine through a straw, SERIOUSLY?!?! NOT CUTE. Oh yeah let me not forget she was all about dating someone who looked like Matthew McConaughey. Get real. Guys like him don't grow on trees. Lets just be real about that. 

Surprisingly Patti does a find a guy to bring to the mixer that looks really cute.  Well like a shallow gal with her head in the clouds, she chooses the really cute guy Luke. Luke's a plumber and really has nothing in common with Robin. But she just thought he was so Hot and didn't seem to care about any substance. She over looked some decent looking guys who actually had substance.  Just because a guy isn't a 10 doesn't mean he's not worth your time. So they went on a Master date. Well the first half of the date didn't go too well. Luke thought it would be a great idea to go on a bike ride around central park. Well Miss Porker wore a dress and judging by her physical stature it was quite obvious that she hasn't done anything athletic in years.  Bike ride, NOT CUTE. Dinner was worse. They went on a nice dinner cruise and Miss Porker had a lot to drink, again with the straw in the wine glass(WHO DOES THAT?), and she starts flirting and touching all over Luke. He openly admits he's an asshole and she replies " I love Assholes" NOT CUTE. She is a true train wreck. Then she tells him she'd buy him a Maserati and a Ducati and help him start a business. I really wanted to yell at her and be like, Sweetie he only wants your money. He doesn't like you sexually AT ALL!

I feel like you when looking for love you need to find someone who compliments you and someone who's going to make you a better person in the long term. Also physically speaking, know your audience. Be honest with yourself. If you know you are only a 7 find another 7 or maybe an 8. But I think if you only set your sights on a 10 you're going to end up alone and miss out on a lot of great guys.  In no way am I saying you can't get with a 10 But you shouldn't have tunnel vision and only look for one kind of guy. Personality can make a guy go from a 7 to an 8 real quick in your eyes.  It's important to find someone who has substance and who can give you what you really want.  Don't find yourself in a relationship with a guy who is never around knowing deep down inside that's what you really want, A guy who's around. Put his bank account, social status, and physical attractiveness aside. That stuff doesn't keep your bed warm at night when he's off god knows where. Ladies DON'T kid yourself. It's NOT CUTE. and you're just waisting time.

So Don't date guys who are bad for you and can't give you what you really want. Don't get sloppy drunk when you meet  a guy for the 1st time. Don't sip wine through a straw. Don't offer to buy a guy nice things just to keep him around because you know he's out of your league. Hello kitty doesn't make a cock hard. Tone down your make up, he eventually has to see you when it's off and it shouldn't be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Be honest with yourself. If you can't be honest with yourself, how can you be honest with someone else?

Official Honest moment #2

So I definitely put up a front sometimes when it comes to how I feel about relationships and stuff. I pretend like it doesn't it bother me but I do have moments where I feel scared that I just might end up alone. I really don't want to be the 35 year old woman who's not married, not dating, and does nothing but work.  I used to think that I was pretty reasonable and I didn't ask for much, but I'm having second thoughts maybe I do have high standards and I don't seem to realize it. I just can't see lowering my standards. I'd like another person's opinion. Maybe I'm not being as unrealistic as I seem to think I'm being. 

So I'm pretty simple It doesn't take a whole lot to impress me. Little things mean a million times more than grand gestures however I still like to know that you are capable of doing big things.  Like a first date. I'd like a guy to put his best foot forward. Take me to a nice restaurant and show me a good time. Treat me like a princess. I want to know it's worth my while to continue dating you. Now most women might expect that from a guy all the time but that's not me. I just want to know you can. After you do that. Our next date can be to a ball park or a sports bar. 

When It comes to communication maybe I do ask for too much. I like a perfect balance. I hate too much communication and I hate too little communication.  If I text you at some point during the day and tell you that I'm going to call you when I get off work. You better damn well be expecting my call. If you're busy send me a text and say "hey, Im watching a movie, ill call You when its over" or something. For the first month I understand you're probably not going to know my work schedule, but half way through the 2nd month you should know. Don't make me feel like  I don't matter. It drives me crazy. There's no reason why you should only seem to contact me after midnight. That's a booty call. As your girlfriend, I deserve more. Oh and Eeww don't text me every waking moment either. I do have a life and It doesn't completely revolve around you. If you text me once and it's not an emergency please wait a considerate amount of time before you text me again, like maybe 30 plus mins. 5 texts in less than 5 minutes and we aren't having an actual conversation drives me crazy. 

It is also important for me that the guy im with knows how to be supportive. If Im telling you about my dreams no matter how ridiculous, I need you to tell me that I can make it happen. Don't cut me down and tell me it's impossible... I'm not your little sister. I also need to be able to have an intelligent conversation and a nonsense conversation about pop culture. I'm not saying he has to know the latest news about Beyonce, but If I mention something about it please pretend to be interested. 

[Alright this blog is getting long and its getting late]

The other things I look for in a guy:
* income and income growth potential
* No kids
* A vehicle
* A social life
* demonstrates social maturity
* demonstrates a level of coolness
* Likes football and basketball
* Likes doing things other than sitting on the couch
* reads
* Drinks alcohol(not excessively though)
* showers regularly
* Doesn't play video games for more than an hour a day.
* wears ankle socks
* doesn't own crocs
* Brushes teeth regularly
* clips toe nails and takes care of feet
* decent fingernail length. not too long and not too short( i cant stand nail bitters)


hhmm I think that's it. I know it's a laundry list..... I do ask for a lot. If I could find someone who's similar to me but taller and male and single... that would be perfect. I am unrealistic. I might need to rethink some things. I just feel like I've have to settle so much already in my life. I'm tired of settling for less than what I really want.

Things guys say

So as I was typing out my last blog I was watching Russian Dolls. I have never watched the show before but there wasn't much else on. I had already  watched Jersey Shore and Dance moms( 1st time I watched that show too). So yeah.this guy says to his woman something to the effect that she looked amazing in a dress she had tried on but continued to say that she was like a beautiful new car with a scratch on the bumper because she had an unsightly varacose vein that was really hard to miss just above her calf. The moment I heard this I'm thinking to myself, WOW, that was rude! Who raised this guy? I can't believe someone would say that. UGH! No woman wants to hear that from her guy. He definately was not getting lad after that comment. But then again they were russian. Russians are on another level.

I was also watching one of my favorite shows, Millionaire Matchmaker. I love watching Patti, she cracks me up. So one of the Millionaires during the mixer was a total douche bag. On his mini date with this Asian girl, who was actually really cute, he seemed to think it was ok to ask her when she lost her virginity. I was like RUDE. Who's asks that? Especially after only just meeting them.... I just don't understand. Guys say some dumb shit. They have like no sensativity filter what so ever. How could anyone think that was a good question to ask.  I can't recall  ever having a guy be that utterly rude to me. But I don't put up with Shit from guys. So help that guy who ever thinks its ok to be rude to me.

Guys with kids

So there's this guy I know, well actually I know a couple of guys with kids who like me. Anyways I'm afraid of guys who have kids. I love little ones and I think they are so adorable, but when you get involved with a guy who has a kid there's so much baggage. You get the guy, then you get his kid, and then you get the kid's mother. A relationship should just be two people in the beginning, but when it comes to a guy with a kid, it's 4 people.  Not something I really want to sign on to. I liked someone once who had a child and I thought it was mutual then the next thing I know he was telling me that he wanted to try to work things out with the mother of his son. Which I could completely understand. But no amount of understanding can prevent that feeling that you get when someone you like says that to you. It's a huge let down. You get all excited because you think that something great might occur and then you're knocked down. It's like walking all those damn stairs inside the statue of Liberty only to get the top and have to walk all the way down without getting to enjoy the view. It sucks. Trust me I know.

When you have a child with someone there's this bond you will forever share with that person and it's pretty incredible. I mean I don't know personally but I watch Tv and I could imagine what it must feel like. It's some pretty powerful stuff creating life. It just scares me. The bond is strong.  I'm a realist and I know realistically speaking no one wants their child to grow up in two homes and have two sets of parents. So I could imagine that deep down as a single parent there are moments you wonder if you should give it another shot with your child's other parent. Now I know you may be thinking, what if he has no honest desire to get back with the mother of his child. That happens too however if she's not in the same place in her life then you have to put up with 'Baby Mama' drama. She's jealous of you. She calls when she knows you're on a date and says there's an emergency just to come between you.  She makes  it a mission to sabotage your relationship.  That is something I'd rather not deal with. As a female I know first hand that we can be 'catty' and bitchy. I will be completely honest that I don't like fuss. Maybe I might fight back at first but there would come a time(real quick) that I would just surrender and walk away. I've never met a guy worth fighting for and even if I did Baby Mama's scare me. They are truly on a whole other level. 

My fear of guys with kids is a little debilitating. I absolutely avoid them like I do speeding tickets. But for some unknown reason I seem to keep getting them. If you know me than you know my driving record and it's not perfect. I doubt that Pizza hut would hire me as their delivery driver. Speeding tickets are attracted to me just like guys with kids. But I'm not a fan of either. One's financially expensive and the other is emotionally costly.  But part of me in my coming of ageness is wondering if maybe this fear is keeping me from experiencing something that could be potentially worth my while.

Could use some advice

 Oh Boy was I right about throwing up those red flags when it came to my Ex. Oh jeez. So we've been texting each other every now and again. The other day he wanted to know If I wanted to be FWB's. He mentioned that he didn't want a relationship because he'd be leaving soon and going off to college and didn't want to do a long distance relationship. I can't blame him. I'm not a huge fan of long distance relationships and it only works for some people, me not being one of them. So I thought to myself as semi sort of but not really tempting as that sounds I can't do it for 2 reasons. One being that I have made this pact with myself not to involve myself sexually with someone until I'm in a fully committed relationship and I'm not ready to abandon ship. Two being that  I don't want any feelings to resurface. I did like him at one point and I would hate for those feelings to come back and known that he doesn't feel the same way. That is one of the worst feelings in the world: liking someone who doesn't feel the same in return. So I declined being FWB. However then the conversation took a turn which I guess perhaps I should have figured just might occur.  He asked If I wanted to be in a relationship knowing that come Decemeber It'd end.... Well I must admit that I did take a second to consider it. I think my strong need for male connection took over. It's basically giving him a second chance. The first time I around It didn't last very long so who's to say it will last this time? So I've been having all these thoughts running through my head as I'm trying to figure out what to do. It's been 4 years. I know i've changed, but has he? My biggest fear is that If I agree  I'll just end up feeling the same way I did last time. I don't know if he's learned how to treat a lady. Also my mind keeps wondering if maybe the relationship offer isn't a loop hole for him to get in my pants.  I have so many thoughts. I always want to see the good in people and a huge part of me wants to believe he's changed and things will be different a second time around. But the the little voice in the back of my head is screaming don't do it. He most likely hasn't changed. 

I don't know what to do. I've barely spoken with him since that conversation. I could make a Pro and Con list till I'm blue in the face but that isn't going to help me any more than a Ouija board can.  So to my readers, I'd like to hear what you think. I could really use an outside point of view. my judgment is clouded by my desire to be in a relationship again. I just don't want to crash and burn again. Like I've done so many times in the past because I wasn't thinking clearly.

Guys and pets

I love dogs and cats and I like guys who have dogs or cats. What I don't like is when your pet takes over your space. When I come over to chill I dont want to be covered in your dog's hair after sitting on your sofa. It's called a vacuum, get one and use it. I had a cat and she shedded a lot but if I knew I was going to be entertaining guests I'd have enough decency to vacuum before they came over. I know pet owners tend to spoil their animals and let them do whatever they want but just like children you need to teach them manners and put them in their place. You are the boss not them and most animals are trainable, so train them. PLEASE and THANK YOU.  I think most pet owners allow their pet to sleep in the bed with them which is fine sometimes, but you better make sure you clean your sheets. If I'm with a guy and I notice his sheets are covered in dog hair and junk and I'm less likely to return. HUGE TURN OFF. 


It's not just pet hair that bothers me, manners bother me too. I would really rather prefer your dog not jump all over me especially when he or she has long nails. OUCH! Thank god when I had my cat she didn't like people who weren't me, so I never had to worry about her being around or in the way. She was usually just off in a corner hiding. But I've been to many of guys houses who's pets were all up in my face the whole time. Which makes it a little hard to just chill and have nice conversation and such. Another reason to train your animal if you plan on entertaining guests of the opposite sex. JUST SAYING.  Oh and the moment things move to the bedroom I don't appreciate your dog outside the door scratching and whining and barking. You might be used to it, but I'm not and it's a serious mood killer because that's almost all I can think about.  I absolutely Love animals and I don't like to hear them in distress. I also don't appreciate your dog in the room either because that gets a little awkward sometimes too.  I mean maybe after awhile I can adjust and become overly acquainted with your dog, but until then I'd just rather spend time with just you and not your dog. Cats aren't really an issue. I've never run into issues with guys with cats.

Mmmmmmmm just sexiness......

Sometimes your compliments DON'T make me feel better

The other day I was driving home from the gym and I was texting a friend. I told him I had just went to the gym and pretty soon I'll look really good. He responded with you're sexy no matter what. which would normally make any girl blush, right?? WRONG. my first thought was "Oh, that's great.But apparently not sexy enough for you to ever date"? just my luck. So then this sparked a whole conversation in my head about all the times I've received compliments and wasn't overly excited about them. Like when you see people that you don't regularly hang out with or see and one of the first things out of their mouth is "have you lost weight"? and in the back of your head you are actually thinking, If anything I've gained weight, but thanks. So then  you think to yourself Did I look that fat before? It's not a very pleasant feeling you feel when that happens. Sometimes I wish people didn't say anything at all. What's wrong with a simple conversation. "Hi, How are you?" "what"s new"? " Good to see you" "I miss you". I would just like to say I'm not a huge fan of compliments. Every now and again its ok but sometimes I just feel weird.

An old poem

I've been hurt over and over for the past 7 years.... this reminds me why I started this. I'm looking for more than what i've gotten in the past. 

I feel so hurt I just want to cry
let all the tears just  flow from my eyes.
the rum in my coke has gone missing
my yang is left without a yin
how foolish I was to follow so blindly 
like a lemming before it plunges to its death 

 I feel so hurt i just want to cry
let all the tears flow from my eyes  
the touch of our lips ignited a blazing fire
running rampant under the cool night sky
for you I tried my best
apparently that  just  wasn’t enough
i feel so hurt i just want to cry
let all the tears just flow from my eyes
a crime I must have committed 
for I’m being treated like I am nothing

My head and Va-jay -jay need to get on the same page

So I've been working hard on loosing weight and I've been going to the gym a few times a week. It's great. I feel better and I have more energy(sometimes) and I've lost a total of 19 lbs since June 1st. Working out is great. I'm trying to get healthy however all this working out is creating another problem in my life. I've been hornier than normal which makes it that much harder to turn it down when an offer comes my way.... The goal is to save myself until I'm in a committed relationship with someone. When i started I had no real desire so it was easy. But it keeps getting harder and harder. One of the reasons I chose to do this was because the sex I was having wasn't great and it left me feeling so empty. I was over the empty meaningless sex and I still am. But I feel like if I don't go get some soon I might bite someone's head off. I wish I could at least find a guy that was worth it but my phone is full of "2 pump chumps".  I'm going crazy. I've been trying to put all this energy somewhere but it only works for a little. My ex has been trying to get at it and even though it wasn't good then I have this unwavering curiosity that maybe it might be different this time around. I don't know. HUGE DILEMMA. I'm running out of ways to say no to something I really want. Reminding myself that It won't be great is only going to take me so far. Some point soon I'm going to have to give in just so I can get it out of my system. Its like being on a diet and craving chocolate cake.... you won't be happy till you at least have a piece.  FML seriously

I found an old poem i wrote back in day on myspace

I layed an offer on the table.

and you accepted.

a dirty game was provoked

the moment i stepped foot in your room.

a royal flush i felt

when your lips landed upon mine.

i had only wanted to bluff

but you called it

 your scent and my lust

threw me off my game.  

i kept trying to play it safe

however poker was not meant to be played that way.

hearts and diamonds took over

landing me a loosing hand.

i folded and let you have it-

a big mistake that was.

you got what you needed

now i serve no purpose to you.

your tone with me has changed

and you don't even see me the same.

a straigh flush of spades has conquered my hearts-

in the game of poker you have winners and you

have losers. 

I Don't even play poker btw.... but not too shabby 

Ex-Boyfriend alert....

So Monday night when I was hanging out with "HomeDepot" I got a friend request from one of my ex-boyfriends. I was really shocked. I almost wasn't sure if I should approve it or not. But I don't hate him so I did approve it. We were talking on facebook today and had a good chat. Although he did say a thing or two that caught me off guard. He said he was worried about me because we hadn't talked in so long. I ended things back in 2007. So yeah it's been some time. I honestly just never thought he was interested in keeping in touch. Not that I would have either way. Maybe for a little I would have kept in touch but I'd get over quick and just leave things well enough alone. Whatever though. Enough time has gone by and I've grown up enough that we can be friends. He also asked if I was single, which immediately through up a red flag in my mind. There are very few reasons why an Ex will ask that. A, they are still interested. B, They hope they are doing better off than you. C, they honestly care and want to see you happy.I think that's it.  So I'm pretty sure he doesn't honestly care so we can rule out choice C. Shortly after asking about my dating status, he also asked if I was still a freak...RED FLAG RED FLAG. I probably should have stopped the conversation at that point, but I didn't. In the history of post relationship etiquette I'm pretty sure that's an illegal question. I answered 'Maybe'. I must be oblivious because I never thought of myself as a 'Freak'. But then again back in 2007 I was still a little out there and care free. I have since calmed way down.  ***Overly honest moment***  I remember one of the first few times we hung out I got naked in his truck and stuff happened.  I didn't really think that that was freaky.  One time I think I did admit to him that I would be interested in having a 3-some with another guy or girl. but again on a scale of 1 to 10 that is only like a 5 or 6. Rather mediocre.  He also mentioned in the conversation that he should stop by and come see me some time. ** CODE FOR: I Want to 'hook up' **  I know his exact thought too, "she gives amazing head and I want some" He may also be thinking "That shit was tight too I'd like that" but my response to him would be, "you can't handle it... You'll cum in 30 seconds and then where will that leave me? NO THANKS!"   I have no desire to be with my Ex sexually in any way shape or form. Back then it wasn't good for me and I'm sure not much has changed.