Official Honest moment #3

So recently I started thinking about my past. While on this journey traveling back into my past I didn't like what I came to realize. I didn't love myself. At the time obviously I wasn't able to realize it but I am now. There's no way I loved myself because a person who loves herself doesn't sleep with as many people as I have. It could have easily been an addiction or a terribly awkward phase in my life. But by engaging in the behavior that I was I put myself at risk for all kinds of problems. I could have easily become a mother, although my ovaries are retarded so the likelihood was very slim, but still possible. I could have easily contracted some life altering disease or found myself in a position that doesn't just go away by clicking your heels 3x and mumbling "there's no place like home".  I wish I knew what was going through my mind or why I was so careless. I know there were times where I felt ashamed and there are certainly plenty of men that were a total waste of time. I wanted to stop but I didn't seem to know how to control myself and say 'No'. It's like I felt obligated to go through what I started out to do. I'm not sure why I felt obligated though. My only guess is that I didn't want to a disappointment to him even if it meant degrading and devaluing who I was. I try to be a person of my word and I hate not following through on things but I  forget where to draw the line. Luckily age has worked in my favor and I seem to have moved on from all that. I think I have grown so much as a person over the past year and a half but I don't know if that person that I was is capable of returning. It kind of scares me. I think I've always been a bit of a attention whore my whole life but not in the best of ways sometimes.

I'm going through a physical change in my life and when I like the way I look again and others, mainly guys, notice am I going to be able to resist the intoxication of all their attention? Am I strong enough now to do what I couldn't do before?  Do I love myself enough to say no? It's definitely something that I should think about and prepare myself for.  I'd like to believe that once a whore doesn't mean always a whore. People can change. I have to have hope that I am one of those people. I think I love myself... I'm certainly not proud of all the things I've done with my life but not all of our actions define us as a person. There's so much about me that is worth loving.