I'm my own worst Enemy

So non-stop i've been thinking about the new guy, let's call him Country Boy, and I'm trying to be open minded. But in the back of my head I have this image of the kind of guys I see myself with, and he doesn't fit the mold.  He makes me laugh and that's a big plus. I like hanging out with him. He gives nice hugs. He smells nice(pre-smoking). But is that enough to have a relationship with? He smokes, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I've kind of been brushing it off. I mean it could be worse. But I think smoking is such a nasty habit. If it was something you did socially only when you're drinking I could respect that, but on a regular basis? hhhmm not so much. bad breath, yellow teeth, it's bad for your lungs, it stinks up everything about you, like your clothes and your car and maybe even your house. But smoking doesn't make you a bad person. So I'm trying to focus on him as a person. 

My relationships don't ever seem to last long and it's possible that  this could also be one of those things that doesn't last very long. but let's say it does, what if 6 months down the road I realize that this isn't working for me. I mean You don't know until you try. but I have to admit I'm a pretty good at knowing whether something is worth my time.  I don't want to date someone just to date someone. That's a waste of emotions.  I feel a bunch of different emotions all at once. It's really confusing. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to get hurt myself.  But what if it's possible that I could find love in the most unsuspecting person.  I don't want to be that girl only dates a certain type of people and spends her life alone because she's not willing to deviate from the ideal in her head.

Relationships are hard. I'm sure they weren't mean to be easy. If that were the case our divorce rate wouldn't be so high.  I'm been focusing on being open minded and its driving me bonkers because my mind just plays the what if game all day long. But what if I should be less open minded. I've been open minded with all my last boyfriends and that didn't work out for me. But It could have any number of things that went wrong there.  I'm starting to think the perfect guy for me either doesn't exist or he's already taken. Possibly he's just not in Central FL and I need to move. I've been saying there are no good guys left in CFL for awhile. It just might actually be true.

So I was on a roll...

I was on a roll and then i got pulled over and my life feels like it's on hold. So This past Thursday started out great. I woke up and got on the scale and saw that I had lost a total of 11 lbs this summer. I've been good with going to the gym regularly, like 4 times a week at least.  I only do cardio. I haven't lifted at all yet. Eventually I will though.  I went to lunch with the new guy and had a good time. I was headed to go turn my cup of change from my car into money and then I got pulled over. The cop who was in the next lane over ran my tag, just because, and saw that my Driver's License was suspended. So he took my DL and I had to have someone pick me up. LAME!  So for the past couple of days I haven't been able to drive and it really sucks. I hate not being able to just get in my car and go places. My dad had to take me to work Friday and Saturday. I honestly felt like a little kid being dropped off at school. I've been driving for so long it just feels not normal to be driven around everywhere.  It's put me into a funk. I haven't wanted to do much of anything. I'm just hoping that Tomorrow(Monday) that I can get my DL and my life back. I'm missing valuable gym time and since it's currently raining it's not a good time for me to be out walking around my neighborhood.  I just hope I haven't lost my stride. Once I fall off the gym wagon it's hard for me to get back on. 


This whole situation has really sucked. I missed hanging out with my friends Friday night at Ale House and I missed hanging out with my Bestie Saturday night to celebrate her Birthday. UGH! I did make some cupcakes because I had nothing else better to do. Apparently they turned out good. People liked them. Or maybe they didn't want to tell me how much they sucked. I don't know. I'm my own worst critic. So when I tried them, they were just ok. I would make them again but do somethings differently.   

I've had all these things I've wanted to blog about it. But I've been struggling with how much do I say and what do I leave out. This is the internet and once it's out I can't ever take it back. And since my past seems to love me. I don't want to say something now and then later down the road it comes back to haunt me.  I'm sure we're all aware that I'm no angel, but still. There's a lot I don't say because I don't want anyone to think ill of me. sometimes I don't care what others think and sometimes I do. I'm only human.

So i've been talking to this guy

I met this guy out the other night when I was at ale house. He was hanging out with a couple guys I knew from high school. He seemed really into me but he had also consumed a few drinks, which is why I don't really pay attention to guys I meet in bars. I gave him my number because he seemed like cool people and since then we have hung out a few times. He's really easy to talk to and he's funny and seems decent. I like him( I think) I still have my reserves so I'm proceeding with caution. He's not currently working but seeking jobs and he definitely seems to have his head on slightly straight. That's always plus. I really would like to stay away the crazy ones.

I have a lot on my mind about this. He is a nice guy and I don't want to hurt him. I know that is a  horrible thought to have already, but I think I have myself pretty well figured out( possibly) and I know sometimes I get side tracked especially If I start to get bored. I'm not hard to entertain for a short while. I'm just not sure this guy is can go the distance. But I am trying to be open minded and go with it. I havent given up yet before anything happens. 

There is one thing though I don't already like about this guy. He knows something about me from high school that was told to him from people he hung out with in high school. He moved here from Tennessee and went to my High school after I had graduated. I mean he has already expressed that It doesn't bother him. But the thing is something that I would definitely like to get away from. And I would have rather told him about it then him hearing it from other people. In addition the people who he hangs out with know about the story obviously because they told him, and when I'm hanging out with everyone knowing that everyone knows and its still a sore spot for me makes it awkward. I thought I was passed it but apparently not. When I found out he knew I was like FUCK ME!! locker room gossip, it really sucks, especially when it's about you and not for anything good.  Also He smokes. it's such a nasty habit to have. I mean luckily he doesn't smell like a smoker, but at the same token If he has to keep excusing himself to have a smoke it will get annoying. 


Strike 1: I don't like meeting drunk guys in bars
Strike 2: He's a smoker(of both kinds)
Strike 3: He knows something from past I really wish he didn't
Strike 4: He doesn't have a job. 

I think we're off to a great start..... 

Bridal Tv shows

So I've been watching this show on WEtv called 'My big fat gypsy wedding'. The dresses the girls wear are HUGE. I mean Like HUGE. It's an interesting show. I've learned about a culture of people I didn't really know existed. I wouldn't want to be a part of it though. As a woman your role is to get married and stay at home raise the kids and clean the home. Not my ideal situation. I love my freedom and Although I hate my current job, I can't wait to have an actual career. I don't care how much money my husband made I'd have to work. It gives you something to do with your time.  In your spare time you should check out the show. It's pretty crazy.  Here are a few of the dresses.

there motto is, The bigger the better!

Biggest celebrity crushes

 

I love these guys.... I'd probably freak out if I ever got to meet them in person. 

I've also had crushes on Johnny Depp, Paul Walker, JC from N'Sync,George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Gerard Butler, Brad Pitt, Taye Diggs, and Jason Statham. If I could go like way back in the day, James Dean was pretty hott too.

Post relationship ettiquette

So today i went to the gym when i got off work and I saw my Best-Friends ex-boyfriend and wasn't the best break-up situations, but personally I have no beef with him, but for her I obviously don't communicate with him( I don't really have a desire to anyways). So I was like oh, man. I don't want him to recognize me so I avoided making eye contact. In a gym it's a little harder than I thought. I could see him in my line of sight at one point and I was like trying to look everywhere but there and then at another point I saw him at the water fountain and before he could look up I directed my attention else where. So this experience got me thinking about my ex's. Luckily I've only ran into two of them post break up. The 1st encounter was super awkward. I was walking into publix and this guy in a truck stopped and called out my name. I looked and I was like "HI" but he could clearly see all over my face that I didn't remember who he was. So he was like, It's"Bleep Bleep". Then I was like OMG, HEY! then i walked inside the store. It was really awkward and I did no justice in describing it to you, but whatever. Use your imagination.  At the time I felt embarrassed for not remembering who he was. I mean I'm pretty good about not forgetting people and I kissed this guy shouldn't I remember him?  It wasn't the best relationship. In fact it was very short lived. I don't think we got past two months. Our schedules conflicted. 

So the 2nd time I ran into an 'ex' I was outside the movie theater getting tickets early for a later showing of 'Twilight', I didn't want the movie to be sold out, and I was looking a hot mess because it was early after noon and I really didn't think I'd run into anyone I knew.I know I'm an idiot. So there I am waiting and I see him walk up with his new girlfriend. I tried everything to make my self not noticeable. Running into your Ex and their new person and you look like shit sucks. EMBARRASSING!! I couldn't wait to get my tickets and leave.

So When you run into your ex are you obligated to say hi? I'm really just not sure how it's supposed to go down. I really don't run into my ex's ever. I don't have many thank gosh(I think). Now running into 'Hook-ups' that's a different story. Again luckily I don't really run into them that much either, but sometimes it is a tiny bit strange. Do I hug you? Do we shake hands? Do I nod if you recognize me? Do I ignore you like a stranger I've never met? Can I say 'Hi' first? Uuumm Like I just have so many questions.

I really wish my parents would let me get a puppy

So every time I see little people(babies & small children) I instantly go"Man, I want one".  I would say since I was 22 I have really wanted to have a child of my own. Since I'm not in a position to have one obviously it hasn't occurred but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had one or had the ability to fast forward my life so I can be in a position to have one. "To each his own" however for me I would really like to not have a baby while being unwed or at least headed in that direction. I want my baby to grow up around me and their father without any of that extra drama involved with parents that are no longer together. I would like to be in a good financial situation. Babies are expensive I know this. I can barely support myself so why would I want to add another life to the equation. So I don't currently have the right hand in my eyes to be bringing a life into the world. I want one though. I'm trying to hurry myself along so I can have the upper hand. Time moves at it's own pace though and there is no rushing it or slowing it down.

I must admit I suspect that maybe possibly I might not be able to have babies without assistance. I haven't been able to prove my infertility, but given things that have gone on with my ovaries and past experiences I just have my doubts. I could be wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I guess we will see, eventually.


This wanting a baby thing is a very strong feeling. I just wish i had something to distract it or take the place. I think having a puppy would be great. I live at home and my parents aren't crazy about animals at all. I had a cat (RIP). I had to put her down because she was old and dying and not eating and it was just her time. I was sad about it. After like months later I thought maybe I could have another cat, but I got shot down. SUCKED!!!!! I really miss having a 4 legged furry thing following me around and wanting my love and attention and sleeping with me and feeding it and taking care of it. Cats aren't as playful as dogs which is why I would like a puppy but that's not going to happen as long as I'm living at home. I wonder what my parents would say if I told them " If I can't have a puppy, I'll just have a baby instead". Oh, what an interesting conversation that would be. I can already see my parents cursing me to hell and back. There's a possibility they wouldn't even take me seriously though. FML!!!! I can't have a pet, can't get a date, can't have a baby.... seriously?!?! what the fuck can I do? SHOPPING!!! but that require me going into more debt. I mean like I would need at least $100,000 to cover the amount of retail therapy I would need to feel better. Where's a sugar Daddy when you need one?

Couples suck

I feel like the last single person in town. I say that because all my friends seem to be in relationships, and although I'm happy for them, sometimes I just want to puke when I have to hear about them or see them together. Am I Sour because I don't get the same luxury, HELL YES! I'm not ashamed of it either. I love my friends don't get me wrong. But It does feel like UGh when I'm around people in relationships and that's something I want but can't seem to have. It' s like a Fat kid being surrounded by people eating cake but for some unknown reason there is no damn cake left. It just sucks.... So sorry to my friends If I seem like a Debbie Downer or just not my normal cheerful self when I am around you and your significant other.

One couple is bad enough but it's an even worse put down when you are hanging out with multiple couples in you're the only single person.  I feel so left out, like it's not bad enough I'm the only black person at the table, now I have to be the only single person too. FML!!! People in relationships like to tell me "you're lucky you're single". I'm sorry but that doesn't make me feel any better about my situation. Are there things I absolutely enjoy about being single? Yes! But at the end of the day when I come home from work and I'm just sitting around doing nothing I miss having that person to text and tell about my day or talk on the phone to or even go visit after work and smell and hug and experience that comfortable feeling you get from being around them. I miss saying goodnight to someone and falling asleep on the phone with them. I miss my clothes smelling like his cologne and taking them off and smelling them while remembering how sweet his kisses were.  

Is my freedom great? Yes! It's nice not to have to report to anyone, or wait around his calls, or have any relationship drama, but being single has it's own drama. Like for instance, I like to cuddle but I can't really do that without cuddling around and I'm not looking to be the next cuddle Whore of my town. And while we're talking about cuddling, when that other feeling comes about it sucks not having someone around to have fun with. Again with my ups and downs with men I've been around the block and I'm over that. So being single isn't all that at the end of the day when you think about it.

So If Life were a movie ...

If my life were a movie I'd spend the next 2 to 4 years falling in and out of love with all the wrong guys only to discover last minute when I'm about to give up on love become a nun and move to Wyoming that my good friend, Too Smart For his Own Good or TSFHOG for short, would turn out to be the one who I should have been with the whole time.  I've discovered that he has feelings for me and seems like he just might maybe possibly be in love with me.But at this very point in time I don't feel the same way. So when I learned this I felt a little awkward. I mean how horrible is that to express your love to someone only to find out they don't feel the same?? IT SUCKS, in case you were wondering. He's sweet, and it's great that i can lean on him when I need to, and I could go on about stuff that I like about him, but Physically there's no attraction. When I picture myself being with someone he's not the type of guy I see myself with. He doesn't have a certain swagger that I'm attracted to. I like a little bit of a bad boy with tattoos and attitude but also loves his mother and has a sensitive side.TSFHOG I would describe as being on the nerdy side. Still wears socks that go above the ankle and I'm not sure he owns a single name brand item(if he did I'm not sure he could rock it). To me every time i see him it's like running into someone I'd see at walmart(we all know what those people look like). I want someone that looks like I just saw them in the window display at Dillards(Dark jeans, nice kicks, a button down dark shirt with some really cool graphic on it(NO ED HARDY!!!(RHINESTONED DRAGGONS ARE NOT SEXY)) Nice hair) He needs to look like he cares about how he looks. 

So yeah If my life were a movie I'd end up with him, The guy that's always been the friend and patiently waited on the sidelines while I dated every wrong guy in the world for me. How's that for a happy ending? but as i said before I don't believe that Life imitates art. That's the stuff for movies. And for some guys to feel like maybe they have a real shot at getting the girl all the bad guys want( yes i quoted a song). Does it happen? Yes, But i've never been known to be one of those exceptions. I'm ok with knowing that No Brad Pit or Ryan Reynolds is going to come knocking at my door, but at the same token I can't just date any Joe Blow that says they like me. If I'm not attracted, I'm not attracted. It wouldn't be fair to someone to try it and it goes nowhere. Huge waste of my time and theirs.

So I wish things were going better

So I've been blogging since the end of February and I've been trying to put myself out there a little more so that I can meet guys and maybe start something so I can finally get something juicy to talk about instead of my ramblings about whatever crosses my mind first thing in the morning, or in the shower, or when I'm driving down the road in my own little world. So approximately almost 4 1/2 months have gone by and not much has happened in my dating life. LAME! I know. So In the past month I didn't blog. I definitely thought about it, but with school and hanging out I was distracted then I was like bummed because I didn't have a whole lot to say.So any ways I've been trying to figure out why someone like me is single? I'm still not sure (If I didn't have standards, i could be dating though). I honestly Feel like I'm a pretty AWESOME GIRL! But maybe it's not my personality that is the issue. Appearances are everything and although my face is pretty, I'm thinking that my weight is an issue. Thick Is In, however I would consider myself too thick. So since the beginning of June I've been trying hard to make a whole lifestyle change and eat better and go to the gym. I think that if I lost a good 45 lbs I'd be a likely prospect for a lot more guys. Not everyone wants a 24oz steak. I'm not mad about it at all people have their preferences.I do want to say I'm not just loosing weight to get guys to like me a lot of it is health reasons too. My weight is not healthy. I'm on medication for high blood pressure AAHH!!! SCARY!!!! I'm only 24 I shouldn't have high blood pressure already, although I'm in a perpetual state of stress and worry about everything(that doesn't help either). And I'm also on medication for Diabetes, although that's not why i was put on it but I am pre-diabetic. So for health reasons It's time to shed the fat and to have male attention would just be an added bonus.

I'm really confused

So I've written a couple posts about how I seem to keep encountering my past. And again I encounter it. Luckily for me i don't delete numbers so I always know who's texting me unless they've changed their number. I woke up to a text from the Welder( I'm pretty sure i mentioned him way back in the beginning) Well I thought he had lost interest. We started texting. It was nice to learn he was still interested. I certainly didn't loose interest but i thought he did and when it comes to guys I'm not one to beat a dead horse. The moment I sense perhaps things aren't going anywhere then I'm done. I don't like texting people and never hearing a word back. I can take a hint. So anyways we're texting having good conversation for about a week then as of June 30th at 10:13 pm EST he fell off the grid. I never want to be a bother. So i waited till July 1st to test the waters. No response. Tried again 9 hrs later on No response. Tried July 4th and one last time July 7th. I'm not an over text-er.I made a couple attempts I heard nothing but I'm over it. I mean plenty of time has passed. I should have heard something. I'm a little mad at myself for even falling into this trap. He did this to me last time. We were talking regularly and then it was like he fell off the grid I texted a few times and I never heard back.  I'm a textaholic. So it's really hard for to be not available when you text me(unless I'm at work, the gym, or in the shower). Sometimes i wonder if my text readiness is too much for guys to handle.  I feel Like if I'm sitting on my couch doing nothing and you text  me, how do i not respond right away?? I'm not busy. I hate relationship games!

I just can't immagine

It hasn't happened yet but within the next four months I'll be saying goodbye to my brother. He's going to jail. It really sucks and I hate it and I'm sad about it, but no matter what I feel it's not enough to keep him free. There's a lot I have to process and I'm not sure how it's going to feel when it actually happens. The next 10 years( hopefully less) are going to be spent talking to my brother through letters and maybe the occasional phone call if possible and infrequent visits. Who ever thought? I mean i've already started to cry and I get upset every time I have to think about him being in jail( like right now). I mean my brother and I don't have the greatest relationship. We don't even talk that much. But he's still my brother and I would never wish this for him and I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH. As I was thinking about how I needed to blog and telling someone about my what was going on with my brother I had the sudden thought what If my 5 year plan comes true and I do get married I'd be having a wedding and my brother wouldn't be there. I started balling (I'm so glad my music was up loud). I Love weddings and I sometimes think about what mine would be like and My brother is always there. I would honestly be very sad if i did get married and my brother couldn't be there. It would really super suck. 


I can't say I know what's going to happen in the future its possible that in 5 years I'll still be single and no closer to getting married than I am today, but a lot can happen in a short period of time. I try to be positive but that doesn't always happen. I can't imagine getting married with out my brother but is it fair to my groom to make him wait? I'd hope he understand, but you just never know. On top of that How long do I wait? It's possible he could get out in 81/2 years but I'd be 32. I would really like to get married before 32. But again I have no idea where I'll be in my life in 5 years and I'll really need to think about this more when the time comes. Then while I'm thinking about how much it would suck not to have my brother and I'm talking to my B.F.F. I also think what happens if something tragic were to happen to my dad and both my Dad and Brother weren't around by the time i was ready to get married. SCARY!!!!!! My family is everything and I hate even having these thoughts.  i need to put them out of my mind for now. At this present time everyone is healthy and available.

What if...

So the other day( well actually several weeks really) I was thinking, What If I've already found my Mr. Right but we're just separated by thousands of miles (approx. 2,800 to be more specific)? I've been talking to this guy infrequently for the past 5 years at least. We've been chatting on aim for awhile and occasionally web-caming. He's sweet and he said some things to me a few weeks back that really got me thinking. Like it really sounded as if possibly he had feelings for me which i never considered my feelings towards him given how little we really talk and how far away he lives. But I actually do like him and if we weren't separated by so much space I'd actually give him a shot. We talk all the time time about trying to visit each other but i've never been in a position financially where i could just hop on a plane and spend the weekend in Washington state.

Some times I wish i could just be spontaneous and go visit him and see what happens. I mean i can be adventurous, but I'm not one who likes to fall down with nothing to catch me. I know my family will support me till we all die but I do have a job and It'd be silly for me to act like it's not important and just fly to the other side of the country for some guy. I have rules. No matter what  sweet things some guy could tell me it would never get me to get up and leave the ground that i know is stable and go some place I've never been just for him.  Life isn't like the movies... Art imitates life but i don't think life imitates art. I mean i may spend forever wondering "what If?" but I'd just have to come to turns. I mean I honestly would go visit, but i have other financial responsibilities like school, school books, car insurance, and paying down my credit card that are way more important than blowing $600 to go across country. Bills don't ever take a vacation. 


What If he likes me and then i don't really feel the same at all.  I mean I've been through my fair share of guys who like me but i don't like them or what if I like him but then once we meet he doesn't really like me. I mean that really sucks. I know the 'what if' game is dangerous, but I can't seem to help myself sometimes. I mean is it so bad to possibly plan for anything you could possibly imagine to happen? In my intended profession it will take me far. In life, however It might just keep me from taking too many chances.

I haven't blogged in forever

So sorry to anyone who still reads this and who has been waiting for me to say something funny and interesting. I know i can be a real hoot sometimes. I PROMISE TO BLOG LIKE VERY SOON..... tonight in fact i think i might just go on a blog frenzy. I have a lot to say. I haven't blogged in so long i have all this stuff just waiting to come out of head and on to my computer for the world to see( or at least the few people that actually read this). I need some lip service therapy like an anorexic needs a cheeseburger.