Making peace

So I'd like to think that I've grown up a lot over the past couple of years but before I could become mature I first had to be immature. So when I was 17 or 18 I was dating this guy "The Roofer" and he would come over my house and hang out and it was nice. But then I took the dive with him and everything changed. It wasn't good at all. I'm not exaggerating or confused because I was young. Like LEGIT, It was awful. I'm going to be honest, to me size matters and he didn't have much of anything to work with and hit didn't last long. But I feel bad for the way I handled things. I should not have put him out on blast like i did at that time. We've since talked and perhaps maybe he's gotten over it. So I am sorry Roofer. I was wrong for the way I treated you. 

I'm Sorry to all the women who's men I slept with(not that it's a lot, like 3 maybe 4). Please know that I never knew you existed till it was too late. Trust me I don't take pride in being with a man(or pig) who already has a woman. I mean I wouldn't like it if it happened to me. Although I have said I'm sorry I'd like to also say it's not all my fault. If a guy comes at me how am i supposed to know or even think to ask if he has a girlfriend. 

Sorry to any guy who called me the next day and I ignored. I know it's rude but I was cowardly and figured it would just be easier to ignore you than to have to tell you to your face that I wasn't really interested. 

I'm sorry to myself for not having better impulse control and finding myself in bed with men that were less than worthy to have me.  I'm sorry to myself for wasting so much time and energy chasing the wrong guys. I'm sorry to myself for ignoring that I had a serious problem borderline addiction for so long.  I'm sorry to myself for covering up my insecurities with sex.

I'm sorry to my friends I burned along the way. I know I made choices that changed things between us maybe forever.

I've done some things that I'm not particularly proud of but it's a natural part of life. We all make mistakes and bad choices somewhere along the line.I hope that no one thinks less of me now. I'm not all bad. I just felt I should clean out some skeletons that have been buried in the closet. There's more to come when I can bring myself to let go and be even more honest.

My past just loves me

So I was sitting in the movies the other day with my BFF. If my memory serves me correct I was watching Fast Five, which was a great movie by the way, and my phone went off. I got a text message from someone. Their name was still in my phone because I'm not one to delete numbers. You never know when you're going to  hear from someone again. So I'm chatting back and forth but I really don't remember who I'm talking to. He tells me he lost his job and he's sorry for  not talking to me but he stopped talking to me because he started seeing another girl. In the back my mind I'm thinking why are you telling me this? Are you trying to see me now? or are you looking for a pity party because you're jobless and loveless? I eventually learned who he was but remembered that I had already written him off as a potential LTR(long term relationship). He's a felon. He's been to jail or prison for whatever reason, but It's not working for me. I just can't do it. The life I see myself having doesn't include him no matter how cute he may be. He mentioned he was looking for work and turning things around in his life so I wished him well and we haven't really spoken since.  

I'm just confused why all these people from my past keep emerging. I almost feel like maybe It's some sort of sign and I'm supposed to have some self-actualizing moment but I'm really just lost. I got another text in the middle of the night and it said "How ya been stranger" this number had not been saved in my phone so i have yet to learn who it is. I responded and even asked who it was but no response. The number is from New Jersey but I don't recall knowing many guys from NJ and I the ones i do know are in my phone. So again am I supposed to be getting something out of all these run ins with my past?? Like don't go your normal route you'll end up right where you are. I think I've already changed so much and have worked on approaching things differently than i had in the past.  Or have I already come across the person i should be with it and just couldn't see it at the time?

I'm re-thinking this 5 year plan of mine. Maybe I should make it like a 6 to 7 year plan instead. 5 years isn't very long. Considering I've been out of school for 6 and it feels like time has flown by, will my next 5 years be over before i know it and I'll still be alone and no closer to settling down and getting married and trying to have kids?