I just can't immagine

It hasn't happened yet but within the next four months I'll be saying goodbye to my brother. He's going to jail. It really sucks and I hate it and I'm sad about it, but no matter what I feel it's not enough to keep him free. There's a lot I have to process and I'm not sure how it's going to feel when it actually happens. The next 10 years( hopefully less) are going to be spent talking to my brother through letters and maybe the occasional phone call if possible and infrequent visits. Who ever thought? I mean i've already started to cry and I get upset every time I have to think about him being in jail( like right now). I mean my brother and I don't have the greatest relationship. We don't even talk that much. But he's still my brother and I would never wish this for him and I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH. As I was thinking about how I needed to blog and telling someone about my what was going on with my brother I had the sudden thought what If my 5 year plan comes true and I do get married I'd be having a wedding and my brother wouldn't be there. I started balling (I'm so glad my music was up loud). I Love weddings and I sometimes think about what mine would be like and My brother is always there. I would honestly be very sad if i did get married and my brother couldn't be there. It would really super suck. 


I can't say I know what's going to happen in the future its possible that in 5 years I'll still be single and no closer to getting married than I am today, but a lot can happen in a short period of time. I try to be positive but that doesn't always happen. I can't imagine getting married with out my brother but is it fair to my groom to make him wait? I'd hope he understand, but you just never know. On top of that How long do I wait? It's possible he could get out in 81/2 years but I'd be 32. I would really like to get married before 32. But again I have no idea where I'll be in my life in 5 years and I'll really need to think about this more when the time comes. Then while I'm thinking about how much it would suck not to have my brother and I'm talking to my B.F.F. I also think what happens if something tragic were to happen to my dad and both my Dad and Brother weren't around by the time i was ready to get married. SCARY!!!!!! My family is everything and I hate even having these thoughts.  i need to put them out of my mind for now. At this present time everyone is healthy and available.

What if...

So the other day( well actually several weeks really) I was thinking, What If I've already found my Mr. Right but we're just separated by thousands of miles (approx. 2,800 to be more specific)? I've been talking to this guy infrequently for the past 5 years at least. We've been chatting on aim for awhile and occasionally web-caming. He's sweet and he said some things to me a few weeks back that really got me thinking. Like it really sounded as if possibly he had feelings for me which i never considered my feelings towards him given how little we really talk and how far away he lives. But I actually do like him and if we weren't separated by so much space I'd actually give him a shot. We talk all the time time about trying to visit each other but i've never been in a position financially where i could just hop on a plane and spend the weekend in Washington state.

Some times I wish i could just be spontaneous and go visit him and see what happens. I mean i can be adventurous, but I'm not one who likes to fall down with nothing to catch me. I know my family will support me till we all die but I do have a job and It'd be silly for me to act like it's not important and just fly to the other side of the country for some guy. I have rules. No matter what  sweet things some guy could tell me it would never get me to get up and leave the ground that i know is stable and go some place I've never been just for him.  Life isn't like the movies... Art imitates life but i don't think life imitates art. I mean i may spend forever wondering "what If?" but I'd just have to come to turns. I mean I honestly would go visit, but i have other financial responsibilities like school, school books, car insurance, and paying down my credit card that are way more important than blowing $600 to go across country. Bills don't ever take a vacation. 


What If he likes me and then i don't really feel the same at all.  I mean I've been through my fair share of guys who like me but i don't like them or what if I like him but then once we meet he doesn't really like me. I mean that really sucks. I know the 'what if' game is dangerous, but I can't seem to help myself sometimes. I mean is it so bad to possibly plan for anything you could possibly imagine to happen? In my intended profession it will take me far. In life, however It might just keep me from taking too many chances.

I haven't blogged in forever

So sorry to anyone who still reads this and who has been waiting for me to say something funny and interesting. I know i can be a real hoot sometimes. I PROMISE TO BLOG LIKE VERY SOON..... tonight in fact i think i might just go on a blog frenzy. I have a lot to say. I haven't blogged in so long i have all this stuff just waiting to come out of head and on to my computer for the world to see( or at least the few people that actually read this). I need some lip service therapy like an anorexic needs a cheeseburger.

Making peace

So I'd like to think that I've grown up a lot over the past couple of years but before I could become mature I first had to be immature. So when I was 17 or 18 I was dating this guy "The Roofer" and he would come over my house and hang out and it was nice. But then I took the dive with him and everything changed. It wasn't good at all. I'm not exaggerating or confused because I was young. Like LEGIT, It was awful. I'm going to be honest, to me size matters and he didn't have much of anything to work with and hit didn't last long. But I feel bad for the way I handled things. I should not have put him out on blast like i did at that time. We've since talked and perhaps maybe he's gotten over it. So I am sorry Roofer. I was wrong for the way I treated you. 

I'm Sorry to all the women who's men I slept with(not that it's a lot, like 3 maybe 4). Please know that I never knew you existed till it was too late. Trust me I don't take pride in being with a man(or pig) who already has a woman. I mean I wouldn't like it if it happened to me. Although I have said I'm sorry I'd like to also say it's not all my fault. If a guy comes at me how am i supposed to know or even think to ask if he has a girlfriend. 

Sorry to any guy who called me the next day and I ignored. I know it's rude but I was cowardly and figured it would just be easier to ignore you than to have to tell you to your face that I wasn't really interested. 

I'm sorry to myself for not having better impulse control and finding myself in bed with men that were less than worthy to have me.  I'm sorry to myself for wasting so much time and energy chasing the wrong guys. I'm sorry to myself for ignoring that I had a serious problem borderline addiction for so long.  I'm sorry to myself for covering up my insecurities with sex.

I'm sorry to my friends I burned along the way. I know I made choices that changed things between us maybe forever.

I've done some things that I'm not particularly proud of but it's a natural part of life. We all make mistakes and bad choices somewhere along the line.I hope that no one thinks less of me now. I'm not all bad. I just felt I should clean out some skeletons that have been buried in the closet. There's more to come when I can bring myself to let go and be even more honest.

My past just loves me

So I was sitting in the movies the other day with my BFF. If my memory serves me correct I was watching Fast Five, which was a great movie by the way, and my phone went off. I got a text message from someone. Their name was still in my phone because I'm not one to delete numbers. You never know when you're going to  hear from someone again. So I'm chatting back and forth but I really don't remember who I'm talking to. He tells me he lost his job and he's sorry for  not talking to me but he stopped talking to me because he started seeing another girl. In the back my mind I'm thinking why are you telling me this? Are you trying to see me now? or are you looking for a pity party because you're jobless and loveless? I eventually learned who he was but remembered that I had already written him off as a potential LTR(long term relationship). He's a felon. He's been to jail or prison for whatever reason, but It's not working for me. I just can't do it. The life I see myself having doesn't include him no matter how cute he may be. He mentioned he was looking for work and turning things around in his life so I wished him well and we haven't really spoken since.  

I'm just confused why all these people from my past keep emerging. I almost feel like maybe It's some sort of sign and I'm supposed to have some self-actualizing moment but I'm really just lost. I got another text in the middle of the night and it said "How ya been stranger" this number had not been saved in my phone so i have yet to learn who it is. I responded and even asked who it was but no response. The number is from New Jersey but I don't recall knowing many guys from NJ and I the ones i do know are in my phone. So again am I supposed to be getting something out of all these run ins with my past?? Like don't go your normal route you'll end up right where you are. I think I've already changed so much and have worked on approaching things differently than i had in the past.  Or have I already come across the person i should be with it and just couldn't see it at the time?

I'm re-thinking this 5 year plan of mine. Maybe I should make it like a 6 to 7 year plan instead. 5 years isn't very long. Considering I've been out of school for 6 and it feels like time has flown by, will my next 5 years be over before i know it and I'll still be alone and no closer to settling down and getting married and trying to have kids?

The criminal and the cop

Today I started talking to a guy who's about to become to go into law enforcement. He seems like a nice guy but i was thinking to myself. How does that look when a person of the Law id dating someone who ignores the law. My driving record isn't as nice looking as it once was. Currently I have a SDL and I've been arrested and thrown in jail(It was petty nothing serious). But i have a record nonetheless. It seems almost as bad as the Preacher dating a stripper.

He gave me his number so I texted him so he would have my number too. I appreciate so much that he was thoughtful enough to tell me he'd text back after the weekend because he was going to be really busy working on a paper. So lets see if he follows through. I'm used to guys telling me they'll call me or text me back and then don't( like MaMa's Boy). So I'm not going to hold my breath, but this guy seems different.

So when is it the right time??

So a thought occurred to me today. I'm not sure what I was doing or where i was but i guess that isn't really important. My question is when do you tell a guy about all your falsies and removables? I know that sounds crazy but if you think about it for a second hopefully you get where I'm going with this. I'm very open with my friends about my wig. I think everyone knows that I wear one. It's not because I'm going bald. I just hate my own hair and it's such a BITCH to deal with.  But at some point after being involved with a guy it will reach that point in the relationship where my wig can no longer stay on my head(no amount of bobby pins can keep that thing in place when.... uummm yeah you know) So to spare that embarrassing moment when it accidently comes off, It's better to be upfront about it. But when do you make this person aware? I mean obviously It's not 1st date talk material or even 2nd date talk material. This is something I should probably figure out as long as I'm wearing a wig. I have been thinking to switching over to a sewn in weave for a little though. But it's not just wigs, women wear all sorts of fake body enhancers, like chicken cutlets, How embarrassing is that when he takes your bra off and those fall out?  I have big boobs so thankfully I've never had to experience that. Oh and Spanx. They do an amazing job at sucking you in underneath your dresses but what happens when he's trying to pull and yank this skin tight thing off and then your thighs go all jiggly? Can't say I've ever dealt with that either. But I'd imagine it's a source of discomfort at some point when it comes to "that time".


I can recall this time when i was with "Late night Jew" and we were making out and he went to pull my hair and my Ponytail came off... I just looked at him and was like "yeah by the way the ponytail isn't real"  i can recall feeling so embarrassed. I almost thought i'd die. I usually try to warn guys not to tug or pull on my hair because its not permanent. I just wonder what they are thinking when i say that. I don't have a good history with my hair staying on. It just moves all over the place and a few times I've just thrown it across the room because i was annoyed with trying to keep it on.  I've been asked once by a guy why i don't just wear my natural hair. I Hate my own hair is my response. So the wig and weave can be embarrassing but so can my real hair.  The moisture from the sweat and the friction from my head rubbing against the pillow just mats my hair up and i look like a troll afterwards. My hair is thick and coarse so i can't just use my finger to brush it down. I actually have to use a real brush and comb to make my hair look presentable so... either way isn't that great.

I guess I really don't need to spend too much time thinking about it since I don't plan on being that intimate with a guy till we are in a committed relationship. So i've got some time. Things are pretty stag at the moment.... but I have been planting some seeds out there so we'll see what sprouts.