I love these guys.... I'd probably freak out if I ever got to meet them in person.
I've also had crushes on Johnny Depp, Paul Walker, JC from N'Sync,George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Gerard Butler, Brad Pitt, Taye Diggs, and Jason Statham. If I could go like way back in the day, James Dean was pretty hott too.
So today i went to the gym when i got off work and I saw my Best-Friends ex-boyfriend and wasn't the best break-up situations, but personally I have no beef with him, but for her I obviously don't communicate with him( I don't really have a desire to anyways). So I was like oh, man. I don't want him to recognize me so I avoided making eye contact. In a gym it's a little harder than I thought. I could see him in my line of sight at one point and I was like trying to look everywhere but there and then at another point I saw him at the water fountain and before he could look up I directed my attention else where. So this experience got me thinking about my ex's. Luckily I've only ran into two of them post break up. The 1st encounter was super awkward. I was walking into publix and this guy in a truck stopped and called out my name. I looked and I was like "HI" but he could clearly see all over my face that I didn't remember who he was. So he was like, It's"Bleep Bleep". Then I was like OMG, HEY! then i walked inside the store. It was really awkward and I did no justice in describing it to you, but whatever. Use your imagination. At the time I felt embarrassed for not remembering who he was. I mean I'm pretty good about not forgetting people and I kissed this guy shouldn't I remember him? It wasn't the best relationship. In fact it was very short lived. I don't think we got past two months. Our schedules conflicted.
So the 2nd time I ran into an 'ex' I was outside the movie theater getting tickets early for a later showing of 'Twilight', I didn't want the movie to be sold out, and I was looking a hot mess because it was early after noon and I really didn't think I'd run into anyone I knew.I know I'm an idiot. So there I am waiting and I see him walk up with his new girlfriend. I tried everything to make my self not noticeable. Running into your Ex and their new person and you look like shit sucks. EMBARRASSING!! I couldn't wait to get my tickets and leave.
So When you run into your ex are you obligated to say hi? I'm really just not sure how it's supposed to go down. I really don't run into my ex's ever. I don't have many thank gosh(I think). Now running into 'Hook-ups' that's a different story. Again luckily I don't really run into them that much either, but sometimes it is a tiny bit strange. Do I hug you? Do we shake hands? Do I nod if you recognize me? Do I ignore you like a stranger I've never met? Can I say 'Hi' first? Uuumm Like I just have so many questions.
So every time I see little people(babies & small children) I instantly go"Man, I want one". I would say since I was 22 I have really wanted to have a child of my own. Since I'm not in a position to have one obviously it hasn't occurred but it doesn't stop me from wishing I had one or had the ability to fast forward my life so I can be in a position to have one. "To each his own" however for me I would really like to not have a baby while being unwed or at least headed in that direction. I want my baby to grow up around me and their father without any of that extra drama involved with parents that are no longer together. I would like to be in a good financial situation. Babies are expensive I know this. I can barely support myself so why would I want to add another life to the equation. So I don't currently have the right hand in my eyes to be bringing a life into the world. I want one though. I'm trying to hurry myself along so I can have the upper hand. Time moves at it's own pace though and there is no rushing it or slowing it down.
I must admit I suspect that maybe possibly I might not be able to have babies without assistance. I haven't been able to prove my infertility, but given things that have gone on with my ovaries and past experiences I just have my doubts. I could be wrong. Hopefully I'm wrong, but I guess we will see, eventually.
This wanting a baby thing is a very strong feeling. I just wish i had something to distract it or take the place. I think having a puppy would be great. I live at home and my parents aren't crazy about animals at all. I had a cat (RIP). I had to put her down because she was old and dying and not eating and it was just her time. I was sad about it. After like months later I thought maybe I could have another cat, but I got shot down. SUCKED!!!!! I really miss having a 4 legged furry thing following me around and wanting my love and attention and sleeping with me and feeding it and taking care of it. Cats aren't as playful as dogs which is why I would like a puppy but that's not going to happen as long as I'm living at home. I wonder what my parents would say if I told them " If I can't have a puppy, I'll just have a baby instead". Oh, what an interesting conversation that would be. I can already see my parents cursing me to hell and back. There's a possibility they wouldn't even take me seriously though. FML!!!! I can't have a pet, can't get a date, can't have a baby.... seriously?!?! what the fuck can I do? SHOPPING!!! but that require me going into more debt. I mean like I would need at least $100,000 to cover the amount of retail therapy I would need to feel better. Where's a sugar Daddy when you need one?
I feel like the last single person in town. I say that because all my friends seem to be in relationships, and although I'm happy for them, sometimes I just want to puke when I have to hear about them or see them together. Am I Sour because I don't get the same luxury, HELL YES! I'm not ashamed of it either. I love my friends don't get me wrong. But It does feel like UGh when I'm around people in relationships and that's something I want but can't seem to have. It' s like a Fat kid being surrounded by people eating cake but for some unknown reason there is no damn cake left. It just sucks.... So sorry to my friends If I seem like a Debbie Downer or just not my normal cheerful self when I am around you and your significant other.
One couple is bad enough but it's an even worse put down when you are hanging out with multiple couples in you're the only single person. I feel so left out, like it's not bad enough I'm the only black person at the table, now I have to be the only single person too. FML!!! People in relationships like to tell me "you're lucky you're single". I'm sorry but that doesn't make me feel any better about my situation. Are there things I absolutely enjoy about being single? Yes! But at the end of the day when I come home from work and I'm just sitting around doing nothing I miss having that person to text and tell about my day or talk on the phone to or even go visit after work and smell and hug and experience that comfortable feeling you get from being around them. I miss saying goodnight to someone and falling asleep on the phone with them. I miss my clothes smelling like his cologne and taking them off and smelling them while remembering how sweet his kisses were.
Is my freedom great? Yes! It's nice not to have to report to anyone, or wait around his calls, or have any relationship drama, but being single has it's own drama. Like for instance, I like to cuddle but I can't really do that without cuddling around and I'm not looking to be the next cuddle Whore of my town. And while we're talking about cuddling, when that other feeling comes about it sucks not having someone around to have fun with. Again with my ups and downs with men I've been around the block and I'm over that. So being single isn't all that at the end of the day when you think about it.
If my life were a movie I'd spend the next 2 to 4 years falling in and out of love with all the wrong guys only to discover last minute when I'm about to give up on love become a nun and move to Wyoming that my good friend, Too Smart For his Own Good or TSFHOG for short, would turn out to be the one who I should have been with the whole time. I've discovered that he has feelings for me and seems like he just might maybe possibly be in love with me.But at this very point in time I don't feel the same way. So when I learned this I felt a little awkward. I mean how horrible is that to express your love to someone only to find out they don't feel the same?? IT SUCKS, in case you were wondering. He's sweet, and it's great that i can lean on him when I need to, and I could go on about stuff that I like about him, but Physically there's no attraction. When I picture myself being with someone he's not the type of guy I see myself with. He doesn't have a certain swagger that I'm attracted to. I like a little bit of a bad boy with tattoos and attitude but also loves his mother and has a sensitive side.TSFHOG I would describe as being on the nerdy side. Still wears socks that go above the ankle and I'm not sure he owns a single name brand item(if he did I'm not sure he could rock it). To me every time i see him it's like running into someone I'd see at walmart(we all know what those people look like). I want someone that looks like I just saw them in the window display at Dillards(Dark jeans, nice kicks, a button down dark shirt with some really cool graphic on it(NO ED HARDY!!!(RHINESTONED DRAGGONS ARE NOT SEXY)) Nice hair) He needs to look like he cares about how he looks.
So yeah If my life were a movie I'd end up with him, The guy that's always been the friend and patiently waited on the sidelines while I dated every wrong guy in the world for me. How's that for a happy ending? but as i said before I don't believe that Life imitates art. That's the stuff for movies. And for some guys to feel like maybe they have a real shot at getting the girl all the bad guys want( yes i quoted a song). Does it happen? Yes, But i've never been known to be one of those exceptions. I'm ok with knowing that No Brad Pit or Ryan Reynolds is going to come knocking at my door, but at the same token I can't just date any Joe Blow that says they like me. If I'm not attracted, I'm not attracted. It wouldn't be fair to someone to try it and it goes nowhere. Huge waste of my time and theirs.
So I've been blogging since the end of February and I've been trying to put myself out there a little more so that I can meet guys and maybe start something so I can finally get something juicy to talk about instead of my ramblings about whatever crosses my mind first thing in the morning, or in the shower, or when I'm driving down the road in my own little world. So approximately almost 4 1/2 months have gone by and not much has happened in my dating life. LAME! I know. So In the past month I didn't blog. I definitely thought about it, but with school and hanging out I was distracted then I was like bummed because I didn't have a whole lot to say.So any ways I've been trying to figure out why someone like me is single? I'm still not sure (If I didn't have standards, i could be dating though). I honestly Feel like I'm a pretty AWESOME GIRL! But maybe it's not my personality that is the issue. Appearances are everything and although my face is pretty, I'm thinking that my weight is an issue. Thick Is In, however I would consider myself too thick. So since the beginning of June I've been trying hard to make a whole lifestyle change and eat better and go to the gym. I think that if I lost a good 45 lbs I'd be a likely prospect for a lot more guys. Not everyone wants a 24oz steak. I'm not mad about it at all people have their preferences.I do want to say I'm not just loosing weight to get guys to like me a lot of it is health reasons too. My weight is not healthy. I'm on medication for high blood pressure AAHH!!! SCARY!!!! I'm only 24 I shouldn't have high blood pressure already, although I'm in a perpetual state of stress and worry about everything(that doesn't help either). And I'm also on medication for Diabetes, although that's not why i was put on it but I am pre-diabetic. So for health reasons It's time to shed the fat and to have male attention would just be an added bonus.
So I've written a couple posts about how I seem to keep encountering my past. And again I encounter it. Luckily for me i don't delete numbers so I always know who's texting me unless they've changed their number. I woke up to a text from the Welder( I'm pretty sure i mentioned him way back in the beginning) Well I thought he had lost interest. We started texting. It was nice to learn he was still interested. I certainly didn't loose interest but i thought he did and when it comes to guys I'm not one to beat a dead horse. The moment I sense perhaps things aren't going anywhere then I'm done. I don't like texting people and never hearing a word back. I can take a hint. So anyways we're texting having good conversation for about a week then as of June 30th at 10:13 pm EST he fell off the grid. I never want to be a bother. So i waited till July 1st to test the waters. No response. Tried again 9 hrs later on No response. Tried July 4th and one last time July 7th. I'm not an over text-er.I made a couple attempts I heard nothing but I'm over it. I mean plenty of time has passed. I should have heard something. I'm a little mad at myself for even falling into this trap. He did this to me last time. We were talking regularly and then it was like he fell off the grid I texted a few times and I never heard back. I'm a textaholic. So it's really hard for to be not available when you text me(unless I'm at work, the gym, or in the shower). Sometimes i wonder if my text readiness is too much for guys to handle. I feel Like if I'm sitting on my couch doing nothing and you text me, how do i not respond right away?? I'm not busy. I hate relationship games!
