Sometimes your compliments DON'T make me feel better

The other day I was driving home from the gym and I was texting a friend. I told him I had just went to the gym and pretty soon I'll look really good. He responded with you're sexy no matter what. which would normally make any girl blush, right?? WRONG. my first thought was "Oh, that's great.But apparently not sexy enough for you to ever date"? just my luck. So then this sparked a whole conversation in my head about all the times I've received compliments and wasn't overly excited about them. Like when you see people that you don't regularly hang out with or see and one of the first things out of their mouth is "have you lost weight"? and in the back of your head you are actually thinking, If anything I've gained weight, but thanks. So then  you think to yourself Did I look that fat before? It's not a very pleasant feeling you feel when that happens. Sometimes I wish people didn't say anything at all. What's wrong with a simple conversation. "Hi, How are you?" "what"s new"? " Good to see you" "I miss you". I would just like to say I'm not a huge fan of compliments. Every now and again its ok but sometimes I just feel weird.

An old poem

I've been hurt over and over for the past 7 years.... this reminds me why I started this. I'm looking for more than what i've gotten in the past. 

I feel so hurt I just want to cry
let all the tears just  flow from my eyes.
the rum in my coke has gone missing
my yang is left without a yin
how foolish I was to follow so blindly 
like a lemming before it plunges to its death 

 I feel so hurt i just want to cry
let all the tears flow from my eyes  
the touch of our lips ignited a blazing fire
running rampant under the cool night sky
for you I tried my best
apparently that  just  wasn’t enough
i feel so hurt i just want to cry
let all the tears just flow from my eyes
a crime I must have committed 
for I’m being treated like I am nothing

My head and Va-jay -jay need to get on the same page

So I've been working hard on loosing weight and I've been going to the gym a few times a week. It's great. I feel better and I have more energy(sometimes) and I've lost a total of 19 lbs since June 1st. Working out is great. I'm trying to get healthy however all this working out is creating another problem in my life. I've been hornier than normal which makes it that much harder to turn it down when an offer comes my way.... The goal is to save myself until I'm in a committed relationship with someone. When i started I had no real desire so it was easy. But it keeps getting harder and harder. One of the reasons I chose to do this was because the sex I was having wasn't great and it left me feeling so empty. I was over the empty meaningless sex and I still am. But I feel like if I don't go get some soon I might bite someone's head off. I wish I could at least find a guy that was worth it but my phone is full of "2 pump chumps".  I'm going crazy. I've been trying to put all this energy somewhere but it only works for a little. My ex has been trying to get at it and even though it wasn't good then I have this unwavering curiosity that maybe it might be different this time around. I don't know. HUGE DILEMMA. I'm running out of ways to say no to something I really want. Reminding myself that It won't be great is only going to take me so far. Some point soon I'm going to have to give in just so I can get it out of my system. Its like being on a diet and craving chocolate cake.... you won't be happy till you at least have a piece.  FML seriously

I found an old poem i wrote back in day on myspace

I layed an offer on the table.

and you accepted.

a dirty game was provoked

the moment i stepped foot in your room.

a royal flush i felt

when your lips landed upon mine.

i had only wanted to bluff

but you called it

 your scent and my lust

threw me off my game.  

i kept trying to play it safe

however poker was not meant to be played that way.

hearts and diamonds took over

landing me a loosing hand.

i folded and let you have it-

a big mistake that was.

you got what you needed

now i serve no purpose to you.

your tone with me has changed

and you don't even see me the same.

a straigh flush of spades has conquered my hearts-

in the game of poker you have winners and you

have losers. 

I Don't even play poker btw.... but not too shabby 

Ex-Boyfriend alert....

So Monday night when I was hanging out with "HomeDepot" I got a friend request from one of my ex-boyfriends. I was really shocked. I almost wasn't sure if I should approve it or not. But I don't hate him so I did approve it. We were talking on facebook today and had a good chat. Although he did say a thing or two that caught me off guard. He said he was worried about me because we hadn't talked in so long. I ended things back in 2007. So yeah it's been some time. I honestly just never thought he was interested in keeping in touch. Not that I would have either way. Maybe for a little I would have kept in touch but I'd get over quick and just leave things well enough alone. Whatever though. Enough time has gone by and I've grown up enough that we can be friends. He also asked if I was single, which immediately through up a red flag in my mind. There are very few reasons why an Ex will ask that. A, they are still interested. B, They hope they are doing better off than you. C, they honestly care and want to see you happy.I think that's it.  So I'm pretty sure he doesn't honestly care so we can rule out choice C. Shortly after asking about my dating status, he also asked if I was still a freak...RED FLAG RED FLAG. I probably should have stopped the conversation at that point, but I didn't. In the history of post relationship etiquette I'm pretty sure that's an illegal question. I answered 'Maybe'. I must be oblivious because I never thought of myself as a 'Freak'. But then again back in 2007 I was still a little out there and care free. I have since calmed way down.  ***Overly honest moment***  I remember one of the first few times we hung out I got naked in his truck and stuff happened.  I didn't really think that that was freaky.  One time I think I did admit to him that I would be interested in having a 3-some with another guy or girl. but again on a scale of 1 to 10 that is only like a 5 or 6. Rather mediocre.  He also mentioned in the conversation that he should stop by and come see me some time. ** CODE FOR: I Want to 'hook up' **  I know his exact thought too, "she gives amazing head and I want some" He may also be thinking "That shit was tight too I'd like that" but my response to him would be, "you can't handle it... You'll cum in 30 seconds and then where will that leave me? NO THANKS!"   I have no desire to be with my Ex sexually in any way shape or form. Back then it wasn't good for me and I'm sure not much has changed.

Are we really that Immature?

Alright so as I was driving to the gym today I was thinking about all the times I've been snuck into a guys house in the wee hours of the night/morning and times where it seemed the only place to go was a the backseat of a car or the beach in the dark dark. It dawned on me that I'm 24 now and that is officially no longer cool. I'm not sure why I even thought it was ok to begin with, but lets not go there. So I took an in depth look at the situation and I've come up with only 3 reasons why a guy wouldn't want you over his place.

Excuse #1 He's embarrassed to be seen with you in front of his roommates. I say this because We're all adults and sex is a natural part of life, so why would your roommates care if you're having sex in your room that you pay rent for? and If they did have a problem, personally I'd say a big FUCK YOU to them. You pay rent so you can do what ever you want in your room short of stuff that's obviously against landlord policy. Your roommate has to get up early, fine just let me scream into a pillow no one has to hear me, problem solved.

Excuse#2 He's got a girlfriend (that he lives with or whatever). So in that case, one should be careful of any random reasons a guy could come up with for not having you over his place. RED FLAG. RED FLAG! It could be that his roommates  know he has a girlfriend too and he doesn't want to involve them in his cheating behavior and than it accidentally slips one day to the girlfriend that he's been having other girls over. It's possible he lives at home and his parents know who his GF is. I'm sure they wouldn't condone his behavior, unless of course they are as morally bankrupt as he is. 

Excuse #3 His roommates know you. Like say you're friends with his roommates, or a little sister, cousin, maybe ex of one of his roommates. That would definitely make things weird and I could understand why he wouldn't want to have you over.

outside of these 3 reasons there is no reason to ever have to resort to a backseat unless of course you really really like that sort of thing. I mean even if you live at home it can be done. You just have to know how you're family operates. Mine. No guy can spend that night. Works for me. I snore and I hate it so I have desire to have a guy stay over. My parents aren't big into casual sex, but If the guy is my boyfriend then its not casual.  I'm sure any parent knows that at a certain age you have feelings and you're grown. Personally I'd rather have my child having sex at home then out in some dirty motel or out in public where they can get arrested. How Embarrassing is that??  People talk.

I know America is full of prudes, but get with the program already. SEX SEX SEX SEX! it's natural and fun. If you don't make people resort to crazy stuff its a hell of a lot more satisfying too. I think if more people were having sex they'd be a lot less stressed out and wound up. If you go too long without you go crazy. WAKE UP WASHINGTON!!! maybe that's what's wrong with our politicians, they need more sex in their life. But they should definitely keep it off facebook, twitter, and their cell phones(Sen.Anthony Weiner).

Seriously?!?!?!

So Monday night I go hang out with this guy I know, let's call him "HomeDepot". We were supposed to hang out Sunday but it didn't work out. So we met up when he got off work Monday night.  OH BOY BIG MISTAKE. I got off work first so I went home and showered. I thought I'd be considerate to his nose. No one wants to hang around a smelly person, not that I'm smelly I just prefer to be fresh. UNFORTUNATELY... Not everyone shares my same consideration. When I arrived we hugged and my nose wanted to jump off my face. He was not fresh at all. So let me just say he has a job where he does manual labor and I'm sure at some point throughout the day he gets a little sweaty....SO WHY THE FUCK DID HE NOT THINK TO SHOWER FIRST??? seriously?!?! so we are hanging out and I don't want to be rude so I was really trying not to think about how bad he smelled. Here's where it gets even better... He goes in for a kiss and stuff and I'm like dying. Thank goodness he didn't kiss me for very long or I would have threw up in his mouth. I'm very particular about B.O. I shower before I go to the gym because I don't want to be that funky person that gets talked about. How embarrassing is that when some hott guy gets on the treadmill next to you and then leaves suddenly because you reak? EXACTLY!  If i know I'm going to be around people I shower before I go hang out with them even at the beach or pool....Sorry but salt water doesn't get rid of B.O. So yeah, not pretty I wish he would have taken a shower. It would have made hanging out a lot more pleasant. The next time he asks to hang out I'm gunna be like you should shower first if we're hanging out after you get off work.  We are not cave people there is no reason for people to be hanging out with B.O.