So I'd like to think that I've grown up a lot over the past couple of years but before I could become mature I first had to be immature. So when I was 17 or 18 I was dating this guy "The Roofer" and he would come over my house and hang out and it was nice. But then I took the dive with him and everything changed. It wasn't good at all. I'm not exaggerating or confused because I was young. Like LEGIT, It was awful. I'm going to be honest, to me size matters and he didn't have much of anything to work with and hit didn't last long. But I feel bad for the way I handled things. I should not have put him out on blast like i did at that time. We've since talked and perhaps maybe he's gotten over it. So I am sorry Roofer. I was wrong for the way I treated you.
I'm Sorry to all the women who's men I slept with(not that it's a lot, like 3 maybe 4). Please know that I never knew you existed till it was too late. Trust me I don't take pride in being with a man(or pig) who already has a woman. I mean I wouldn't like it if it happened to me. Although I have said I'm sorry I'd like to also say it's not all my fault. If a guy comes at me how am i supposed to know or even think to ask if he has a girlfriend.
Sorry to any guy who called me the next day and I ignored. I know it's rude but I was cowardly and figured it would just be easier to ignore you than to have to tell you to your face that I wasn't really interested.
I'm sorry to myself for not having better impulse control and finding myself in bed with men that were less than worthy to have me. I'm sorry to myself for wasting so much time and energy chasing the wrong guys. I'm sorry to myself for ignoring that I had a serious problem borderline addiction for so long. I'm sorry to myself for covering up my insecurities with sex.
I'm sorry to my friends I burned along the way. I know I made choices that changed things between us maybe forever.
I've done some things that I'm not particularly proud of but it's a natural part of life. We all make mistakes and bad choices somewhere along the line.I hope that no one thinks less of me now. I'm not all bad. I just felt I should clean out some skeletons that have been buried in the closet. There's more to come when I can bring myself to let go and be even more honest.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
My past just loves me
So I was sitting in the movies the other day with my BFF. If my memory serves me correct I was watching Fast Five, which was a great movie by the way, and my phone went off. I got a text message from someone. Their name was still in my phone because I'm not one to delete numbers. You never know when you're going to hear from someone again. So I'm chatting back and forth but I really don't remember who I'm talking to. He tells me he lost his job and he's sorry for not talking to me but he stopped talking to me because he started seeing another girl. In the back my mind I'm thinking why are you telling me this? Are you trying to see me now? or are you looking for a pity party because you're jobless and loveless? I eventually learned who he was but remembered that I had already written him off as a potential LTR(long term relationship). He's a felon. He's been to jail or prison for whatever reason, but It's not working for me. I just can't do it. The life I see myself having doesn't include him no matter how cute he may be. He mentioned he was looking for work and turning things around in his life so I wished him well and we haven't really spoken since.
I'm just confused why all these people from my past keep emerging. I almost feel like maybe It's some sort of sign and I'm supposed to have some self-actualizing moment but I'm really just lost. I got another text in the middle of the night and it said "How ya been stranger" this number had not been saved in my phone so i have yet to learn who it is. I responded and even asked who it was but no response. The number is from New Jersey but I don't recall knowing many guys from NJ and I the ones i do know are in my phone. So again am I supposed to be getting something out of all these run ins with my past?? Like don't go your normal route you'll end up right where you are. I think I've already changed so much and have worked on approaching things differently than i had in the past. Or have I already come across the person i should be with it and just couldn't see it at the time?
I'm re-thinking this 5 year plan of mine. Maybe I should make it like a 6 to 7 year plan instead. 5 years isn't very long. Considering I've been out of school for 6 and it feels like time has flown by, will my next 5 years be over before i know it and I'll still be alone and no closer to settling down and getting married and trying to have kids?
I'm just confused why all these people from my past keep emerging. I almost feel like maybe It's some sort of sign and I'm supposed to have some self-actualizing moment but I'm really just lost. I got another text in the middle of the night and it said "How ya been stranger" this number had not been saved in my phone so i have yet to learn who it is. I responded and even asked who it was but no response. The number is from New Jersey but I don't recall knowing many guys from NJ and I the ones i do know are in my phone. So again am I supposed to be getting something out of all these run ins with my past?? Like don't go your normal route you'll end up right where you are. I think I've already changed so much and have worked on approaching things differently than i had in the past. Or have I already come across the person i should be with it and just couldn't see it at the time?
I'm re-thinking this 5 year plan of mine. Maybe I should make it like a 6 to 7 year plan instead. 5 years isn't very long. Considering I've been out of school for 6 and it feels like time has flown by, will my next 5 years be over before i know it and I'll still be alone and no closer to settling down and getting married and trying to have kids?
Friday, May 27, 2011
The criminal and the cop
Today I started talking to a guy who's about to become to go into law enforcement. He seems like a nice guy but i was thinking to myself. How does that look when a person of the Law id dating someone who ignores the law. My driving record isn't as nice looking as it once was. Currently I have a SDL and I've been arrested and thrown in jail(It was petty nothing serious). But i have a record nonetheless. It seems almost as bad as the Preacher dating a stripper.
He gave me his number so I texted him so he would have my number too. I appreciate so much that he was thoughtful enough to tell me he'd text back after the weekend because he was going to be really busy working on a paper. So lets see if he follows through. I'm used to guys telling me they'll call me or text me back and then don't( like MaMa's Boy). So I'm not going to hold my breath, but this guy seems different.
He gave me his number so I texted him so he would have my number too. I appreciate so much that he was thoughtful enough to tell me he'd text back after the weekend because he was going to be really busy working on a paper. So lets see if he follows through. I'm used to guys telling me they'll call me or text me back and then don't( like MaMa's Boy). So I'm not going to hold my breath, but this guy seems different.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
So when is it the right time??
So a thought occurred to me today. I'm not sure what I was doing or where i was but i guess that isn't really important. My question is when do you tell a guy about all your falsies and removables? I know that sounds crazy but if you think about it for a second hopefully you get where I'm going with this. I'm very open with my friends about my wig. I think everyone knows that I wear one. It's not because I'm going bald. I just hate my own hair and it's such a BITCH to deal with. But at some point after being involved with a guy it will reach that point in the relationship where my wig can no longer stay on my head(no amount of bobby pins can keep that thing in place when.... uummm yeah you know) So to spare that embarrassing moment when it accidently comes off, It's better to be upfront about it. But when do you make this person aware? I mean obviously It's not 1st date talk material or even 2nd date talk material. This is something I should probably figure out as long as I'm wearing a wig. I have been thinking to switching over to a sewn in weave for a little though. But it's not just wigs, women wear all sorts of fake body enhancers, like chicken cutlets, How embarrassing is that when he takes your bra off and those fall out? I have big boobs so thankfully I've never had to experience that. Oh and Spanx. They do an amazing job at sucking you in underneath your dresses but what happens when he's trying to pull and yank this skin tight thing off and then your thighs go all jiggly? Can't say I've ever dealt with that either. But I'd imagine it's a source of discomfort at some point when it comes to "that time".
I can recall this time when i was with "Late night Jew" and we were making out and he went to pull my hair and my Ponytail came off... I just looked at him and was like "yeah by the way the ponytail isn't real" i can recall feeling so embarrassed. I almost thought i'd die. I usually try to warn guys not to tug or pull on my hair because its not permanent. I just wonder what they are thinking when i say that. I don't have a good history with my hair staying on. It just moves all over the place and a few times I've just thrown it across the room because i was annoyed with trying to keep it on. I've been asked once by a guy why i don't just wear my natural hair. I Hate my own hair is my response. So the wig and weave can be embarrassing but so can my real hair. The moisture from the sweat and the friction from my head rubbing against the pillow just mats my hair up and i look like a troll afterwards. My hair is thick and coarse so i can't just use my finger to brush it down. I actually have to use a real brush and comb to make my hair look presentable so... either way isn't that great.
I guess I really don't need to spend too much time thinking about it since I don't plan on being that intimate with a guy till we are in a committed relationship. So i've got some time. Things are pretty stag at the moment.... but I have been planting some seeds out there so we'll see what sprouts.
I can recall this time when i was with "Late night Jew" and we were making out and he went to pull my hair and my Ponytail came off... I just looked at him and was like "yeah by the way the ponytail isn't real" i can recall feeling so embarrassed. I almost thought i'd die. I usually try to warn guys not to tug or pull on my hair because its not permanent. I just wonder what they are thinking when i say that. I don't have a good history with my hair staying on. It just moves all over the place and a few times I've just thrown it across the room because i was annoyed with trying to keep it on. I've been asked once by a guy why i don't just wear my natural hair. I Hate my own hair is my response. So the wig and weave can be embarrassing but so can my real hair. The moisture from the sweat and the friction from my head rubbing against the pillow just mats my hair up and i look like a troll afterwards. My hair is thick and coarse so i can't just use my finger to brush it down. I actually have to use a real brush and comb to make my hair look presentable so... either way isn't that great.
I guess I really don't need to spend too much time thinking about it since I don't plan on being that intimate with a guy till we are in a committed relationship. So i've got some time. Things are pretty stag at the moment.... but I have been planting some seeds out there so we'll see what sprouts.
32 years and counting
Yesterday my parents celebrated 32 years of marriage. I think it's great. I envy my parents and I hope to one day find someone and be married forever. My Mom said it was Love at first sight. I'm not personally 100% sold on the idea but apparently it happens. And I'm glad it happened. I think that having a good relationship model to look at gives me a better understanding of how a marriage should work. It's not enough to Marry for Love. There's more that goes into the equation. They dated for 5 years before getting married though.Since I'm on a 5 year plan I'm not sure i have 5 years to date someone first and also I just don't have the patience. Something you may or may not know about me is that i can be quite impulsive. If I knew it was right and He was the one I might just jump the Gun and get it over with quickly then throw a huge party later. Maybe I would then save some money on a full scale wedding although i guess most of the money is spent on the reception.
I hope my parents stay together forever. They make me believe in that Fairy tale love that I hope to one day have or at least come close to having. I know love and relationships aren't perfect and they have their ups and downs. Growing up I was one of few kids at school that didn't have step parents and i thought my parents were perfect. After I got older like once i turned 18 I've had some real conversations with my mom and I've discovered that my parents aren't perfect, but I do thank them for not ever fighting in front of me. I think its wrong to involve kids in any drama the parents are having. Not to put my parents out on blast. But i can recall this one time where I saw my dad sleeping on the couch as opposed to with my mom and it was really awkward and a little shattering to the image i of have of my parents. I hold them on the highest of pedestals and It's just... well not sure of what the right word should be, but It's almost like earth shattering and heart crushing. I don't know. I just realized how ridiculous that sounded. but It's how I feel in the best way i know how to put it. Regardless of their imperfectness I still hope to have a long lasting fun marriage like my parents have had.
I hope my parents stay together forever. They make me believe in that Fairy tale love that I hope to one day have or at least come close to having. I know love and relationships aren't perfect and they have their ups and downs. Growing up I was one of few kids at school that didn't have step parents and i thought my parents were perfect. After I got older like once i turned 18 I've had some real conversations with my mom and I've discovered that my parents aren't perfect, but I do thank them for not ever fighting in front of me. I think its wrong to involve kids in any drama the parents are having. Not to put my parents out on blast. But i can recall this one time where I saw my dad sleeping on the couch as opposed to with my mom and it was really awkward and a little shattering to the image i of have of my parents. I hold them on the highest of pedestals and It's just... well not sure of what the right word should be, but It's almost like earth shattering and heart crushing. I don't know. I just realized how ridiculous that sounded. but It's how I feel in the best way i know how to put it. Regardless of their imperfectness I still hope to have a long lasting fun marriage like my parents have had.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Running into your past
Its so great when you run into your past flings. NOT. Do you know how hard it is to get past a frist impression? That's why first impressions are honetly so important. So the other night i get a message from this guy and I'm a polite person so i respond. We chit chat back and forth and then i click on his pictures. I thought to myself wow this guy looks kind of familiar and his user name was a little familiar too. But I was like *Bleep* is a very popular name, so it could be anyone. Then he told me about his job and I was like wow this guy sounds even more familiar.We both figured out at the same time that we knew each other previously. We kept talking for a little. He sounded like he had changed but I just couldn't get over how i remembered him. On My list he is refered to as "Reefer *bleep*" because i had dated a guy before with the same name. So as his name may suggest he was a huge pot head. So his name for my blogging purposes only is "Hotel Reefer" because he works over night at a hotel. Which is the exact same job he was doing when I met him back in 2005. Now I know I can't throw too many stones bceause I still work in a call center, but I'm also in college working to do something else with my life. He on the other hand isn't doing much that i know of with his.
One of the reasons it didn't work out between us is because i just felt like he was a loser. The first night we talked on the phone we stayed up All night, Like I got to see the sun come up. It was so nice. He sounded so great. But everything I ever needed to know about him and all his stories he pretty much told that first night. Weed rotts yours brain and his was certainly mushness because his stories just kept repeating. and all the time I had to hear about how he just wanted to move to Hawaii and live on the beach and Smoke weed. That's no kind of life for me and there was no way our relationship would go anywhere. Plus the sex wasn't that great either. It was horrible. So even though he sounded like maybe he changed i just can't shake my impression of him. and he's an adrenaline junkie now. What kind of relationship would that be? I'd constantly be thinking about how one of these days he won't be there because he did something stupid and got himself killed.
Well speaking of the past... The other night when i was hanging out online I got a message from someone else I used to know like back in the day 9th grade. I used to have a crush on him. But he was dating my BFF at the time( i think i understand why I got the homewrecker award now) So we were having innocent talk at 3 am(which mind you never seems to stay innocent) then our conversation turned. It got really intense and needless to say It ended well and I slept well. The next morning though i was like hhmm so now what?? I mean we didn't have physical sex but can we still talk with out the wierd akward feelings?
One of the reasons it didn't work out between us is because i just felt like he was a loser. The first night we talked on the phone we stayed up All night, Like I got to see the sun come up. It was so nice. He sounded so great. But everything I ever needed to know about him and all his stories he pretty much told that first night. Weed rotts yours brain and his was certainly mushness because his stories just kept repeating. and all the time I had to hear about how he just wanted to move to Hawaii and live on the beach and Smoke weed. That's no kind of life for me and there was no way our relationship would go anywhere. Plus the sex wasn't that great either. It was horrible. So even though he sounded like maybe he changed i just can't shake my impression of him. and he's an adrenaline junkie now. What kind of relationship would that be? I'd constantly be thinking about how one of these days he won't be there because he did something stupid and got himself killed.
Well speaking of the past... The other night when i was hanging out online I got a message from someone else I used to know like back in the day 9th grade. I used to have a crush on him. But he was dating my BFF at the time( i think i understand why I got the homewrecker award now) So we were having innocent talk at 3 am(which mind you never seems to stay innocent) then our conversation turned. It got really intense and needless to say It ended well and I slept well. The next morning though i was like hhmm so now what?? I mean we didn't have physical sex but can we still talk with out the wierd akward feelings?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Sorry If it seems like I'm ignoring you at the bar...but I'm going home alone
Uuumm how am I supposed to take a drunk guy seriously? He's had numerous drinks and I'm sure he's wearing his beer goggles So of course my Boobs are going to look like steak on plate just calling out for attention. But what happens when He's not drunk and realizes that maybe the whole package isn't as good as he thought it looked when he was drunk??? I'd be idiot to go home with him. Any girl who does, well shame on you. It is definitely more the exception than the rule that you can meet a guy worth your while at a bar. How shitty would you feel the day after when you've basically been dissed by this guy who sold you a bill of goods? I mean it happens even when people are sober, but drunk guys are ridiculous and are a lot more focused on banging a chick then starting a relationship with her. I've been there done that. I learned my lesson. Bars are bad places to meet guys for anything meaningful and long term. But If you are a whore and you are just looking for your next score then bars are your playground.
Realizing I wasn't going to find Mr. Right at the local pub has definitely made my life easier. In my younger years I blew so much money on scandaliss clothes to wear out at night so I could look just as hot if not hotter than the other girls out on the town because i thought maybe it would pay off. The only thing i got out of it were phone numbers that filled my phone but collected dust because the guys were all losers, some free drinks, and just awful(I mean like horribly bad) meaningless sex. So I'm very glad that I'm not the girl any more. There were times where i questioned my sexuality. I thought maybe If I played with girls I'd have more fun. But there's nothing like a mans touch(to me) that drives me crazy and the way his body heat sets my nerves on fire and I love how his scent lingers on my skin while i drive home. As i was saying though. I've saved money on clothes because I'm comfortable enough to be able to go to bars in a t-shirt and jeans. I'm only going to hang out with friends and they don't care what i look like. It's so much nicer being casual while drinking instead of wondering if my nipples are showing. From time to time i will dress up to go out but it's more to fit in. I don't always want to be Casual Carla ya know? I love love letting my boobs out for some fresh air, a tan, and showing the guys what they can't have.
Realizing I wasn't going to find Mr. Right at the local pub has definitely made my life easier. In my younger years I blew so much money on scandaliss clothes to wear out at night so I could look just as hot if not hotter than the other girls out on the town because i thought maybe it would pay off. The only thing i got out of it were phone numbers that filled my phone but collected dust because the guys were all losers, some free drinks, and just awful(I mean like horribly bad) meaningless sex. So I'm very glad that I'm not the girl any more. There were times where i questioned my sexuality. I thought maybe If I played with girls I'd have more fun. But there's nothing like a mans touch(to me) that drives me crazy and the way his body heat sets my nerves on fire and I love how his scent lingers on my skin while i drive home. As i was saying though. I've saved money on clothes because I'm comfortable enough to be able to go to bars in a t-shirt and jeans. I'm only going to hang out with friends and they don't care what i look like. It's so much nicer being casual while drinking instead of wondering if my nipples are showing. From time to time i will dress up to go out but it's more to fit in. I don't always want to be Casual Carla ya know? I love love letting my boobs out for some fresh air, a tan, and showing the guys what they can't have.
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