My dating rules

So as I've stated before I'm seasoned. I've obviously failed a lot but I've learned from every experience. So I've developed a list of rules for myself that may or may not be so effective.

So at the top of my list is meeting men at bars. If there's an alcoholic beverage in his hand and he's trying to take my number I can't take him seriously. Been there done that and it's never worked out well. So I've decided to just avoid it. If a guy approaches me with a drink in his hand or I can tell he's slightly intoxicated my mind has been trained to think he's looking for one thing and that's not what I'm willing to offer.

If he can't bring me around his so called roommates that's a 'red flag' and he's not worth my time. We're all adults and if I can't be around your roommates your ashamed or hiding something. I live with my parents and I'd bring a guy home in a heart beat even when I have a reputation of bringing guys home and then my parents never see him again. It's a running joke in my house. I can't blame my family though. I make jokes about it to. I told one guy once that It's OK if he came over because no one will expect to see him again. I think it came off wrong though. He didn't think it was funny. I was just being honest. I knew I'd never talk to him again after the night was over.

Guys with kids. It's cute but I run. I can't help it. I've been there done that and it didn't turn out in my favor obviously. People who have kids together can't help but to try to work it out or make each others lives a living hell. None of which I want any part in. It worse with guys with young kids, but given my age I'm not looking to date anyone who has a 14 year old cause he'd be over 30 and that's a little old for me and i'm not sure I would want to be hanging out with a 14 yr old. I'm only ten years apart and sometimes I still feel like a young person, so i'm not sure i'd be a good influence anyways.

I don't date bums. If he's not working it doesn't work for me. And not just cause I don't want to pay for everything. Actually my biggest fear with guys who don't work is that they're going to have way too much time on their hands and they're going to want to text me all day or hang out all the time. that's not who I am as a dater. I don't want to talk to you every waking moment and I don't want to spend all my free time with you either. I need my own time. I dated a guy who would text me all the time. It was SUPER ANNOYING. I always wanted to reply with " GET A LIFE" but I thought that was rude(kind of appropriate though).

I don't date shut ins. If I'm going to date a guy he needs to have a life and friends. I want to be able to take him out with me and my friends and in return do the same with his friends. Plus again I need to know while I'm off having a life he's doing the same so i don't feel guilty about not texting him all the time or spending all my free time with him either. I'm social and I like social people. If his idea of a good time is playing video games all day in his boxers and not having any person to person contact, that concerns me. It's important to me that who ever I date is not socially awkward and it's safe to bring him around people.

I don't date guys who lack ambition. I have goals. I think goals are important to have in life. Being around someone who doesn't have goals for too long scares me because I don't want to fall into a complacent state of mind. It also has the potential to end things, because if I'm trying to do things and go places and the one I care about doesn't want to there's no reason to stay together.  I want the one i'm with to care and be supportive and go along on the ride with me. Success is more satisfying when you have someone special to share it with.

On a first date there's a 4 beer maximum. If you have to drink more than that to spend time with me then I'm obviously not worth your time. I want to remember the date when I wake up the next day unless of course it was a horrible date. Then I'll drink till I can't walk straight. It's a huge turn off to be a first date with someone who can't stop drinking. It makes me feel like I'm not interesting enough for him sober and I'm not into drunk dating.

If He stands me up, even just once and the excuse wasn't that his foot was being cut off in the ER from a bike accident I don't want none. I've been stood up numerous times and it's still a horrible feeling. It never gets easier. But I can't trust a guy after that. How hard is it to send a text? or hit up my facebook? Everyone these days is fully connected.

I don't really want to meet a guys buddies on a first date either. I'm trying to get to know him alone without the extra distractions. I'd like to get to know him a little before I have to get to know his friends too. It's a huge turn off.

I don't like double dating. If we haven't been together for at least a few months (like 3 or 4) going on a date with another couple is nauseating. I'm just saying. I'm not a fan because this is what happens, the other couple usually has been together forever so they know each other pretty well and they have so many stories and there's that awkward moment when they ask a bunch of questions or when they are being lovey dovey and I'm thinking to myself I've only known this guy for a few weeks, I don't know his favorite color or remember his birthday and last time I checked we still haven't had sex so there's a lack of affection and now i'm being forced to watch some couple I just met slobber all over each other. CHECK PLEASE! 

I might be doomed ....

Apparently I suck at dating or I have horrible taste in men. Either way I'm Fucked if I plan to get married off one of these days. So as i'm bored laying in my bed because that's the only thing that has been remotely comfortable because my body hates me and decided it wanted to make my life a living hell over the past three weeks. I've been sleeping a lot and just aimlessly lying in bed staring up at my ceiling. I've had all this time to think about my past. I started off sleeping with guys on the first date because I wanted to say a BIG Fuck You! to dating rules. I think it's BS that I would be expected to wait 4 dates or a couple months before sleeping with someone just because some book said that's the rules. FUCK THAT we're all adults here. I want it and he wants it, what's the big deal? Why does everything have to be so damn complicated. I hate the dating game. It blows. So anyways I eventually said well sleeping on the first date isn't really working for me so maybe I should try it the other way. The first time I tried it was with the Scam artist. It was great. I mean I never knew I had enough to control to say 'no'. I was dying though. I really wanted it. But since I thought he was a really great guy I didn't want to risk it. We spent every night together for like a week. No sex. It was actually perfect then he fell off the face of the earth and stopped texting me, calling me, didn't respond to my e-mail either. What a huge blow to my confidence btw.  I didn't want that one experience ruin it for me so I tried it again. I was talking to this guy. We hung out a few times with no sex and then poof he stopped texting me. I have to admit it hurt my feelings. If I sleep with a guy I don't hear from him again but If I don't sleep with a guy  I still don't hear from him again but I guess at least I still have my dignity and that's one less name on "the list".

I find myself confused and pretty hopeless. I mean I'm damned either way which kind of makes it pointless to even pursue.  I'm still trying to be pretty hopeful in the long run maybe all that I've had to endure will pay off and I'll finally meet Mr. Wonderful, but I can't help but get exhausted some times. It's been a really long disappointing  hopeless lonely road.

Official Honest moment #3

So recently I started thinking about my past. While on this journey traveling back into my past I didn't like what I came to realize. I didn't love myself. At the time obviously I wasn't able to realize it but I am now. There's no way I loved myself because a person who loves herself doesn't sleep with as many people as I have. It could have easily been an addiction or a terribly awkward phase in my life. But by engaging in the behavior that I was I put myself at risk for all kinds of problems. I could have easily become a mother, although my ovaries are retarded so the likelihood was very slim, but still possible. I could have easily contracted some life altering disease or found myself in a position that doesn't just go away by clicking your heels 3x and mumbling "there's no place like home".  I wish I knew what was going through my mind or why I was so careless. I know there were times where I felt ashamed and there are certainly plenty of men that were a total waste of time. I wanted to stop but I didn't seem to know how to control myself and say 'No'. It's like I felt obligated to go through what I started out to do. I'm not sure why I felt obligated though. My only guess is that I didn't want to a disappointment to him even if it meant degrading and devaluing who I was. I try to be a person of my word and I hate not following through on things but I  forget where to draw the line. Luckily age has worked in my favor and I seem to have moved on from all that. I think I have grown so much as a person over the past year and a half but I don't know if that person that I was is capable of returning. It kind of scares me. I think I've always been a bit of a attention whore my whole life but not in the best of ways sometimes.

I'm going through a physical change in my life and when I like the way I look again and others, mainly guys, notice am I going to be able to resist the intoxication of all their attention? Am I strong enough now to do what I couldn't do before?  Do I love myself enough to say no? It's definitely something that I should think about and prepare myself for.  I'd like to believe that once a whore doesn't mean always a whore. People can change. I have to have hope that I am one of those people. I think I love myself... I'm certainly not proud of all the things I've done with my life but not all of our actions define us as a person. There's so much about me that is worth loving.

Slow your roll Mister

So last night I was watching a movie with my dad and my phone rings. It was a 904 area code and the number wasn't in my phone. I answered and said 'hello' twice then hung up because there was no response. They called again and I answered and said 'hello' twice. Still no response so i hung up. I really don't appreciate when people call my phone and don't say anything. So I returned my attention back to the movie and a few minutes later my phone goes off. This time it was a text from the mystery caller. I was like " who's this?" and  they said _ _ _ _ _ .... Yo cock sucker, that's a fucking common name, did you just expect me to know who you were right off hand. So of course I have no idea who i was talking to. I was trying get him to give me some clues. Didn't ring any bells till like 20 minutes after the fact. I'm pretty seasoned. If  a guy is texting you many moons later he only wants one thing. So the 'stop' sign is already up. He doesn't know that of course because guys are slow. I wasn't overly responsive last night and I didn't respond to him at all today either. While I was work he called but because i was working I obviously wasn't able to answer(not that i would have). Then strangely oddly enough he decides to send me a picture of his penis. WHAT IN THE HELL MADE HIM THINK THAT I WANTED TO SEE THAT???? I didn't even really remember him through regular conversation was he thinking that I would mysteriously recall him by the way his penis looked? Seriously... I just don't get it. I couldn't tell you what this guy looked or smelled like or talked like. The only thing I remember about him is while he was at my house he asked to use my shower. Uuumm I don't know about you, but that's not something that happens to me on a regular basis. I was hesitant because my bathroom wasn't the cleanest at that time, but my brothers shower was atrocious and I didn't want to give the guy nightmares.  I plan to just ignore this guy going forward. Hopefully he'll catch on and stop bothering me. I'm not Interested AT ALL. He didn't really leave much of an impression then and he's certainly not leaving a good impression now.  Plus I know he only wants sex and I'm not that girl anymore. Sorry Fellows.

I think I should honestly just leave well enough alone with all these guys popping up from my past. They looking for the old me and she's gone. Plus it never goes well anyways so i'd just be wasting my time. The only thing I want to waste my time doing is watching TV. 

so while I'm speaking of guys from my past. Previously I talked about the dilemma I had with my Ex. Well I tried to talk to him and wanted to have a conversation face to face however that didn't seem to work out. He doesn't respond to my texts in a timely manner and that frustrates the hell out of me. Anyways since we're facebook friends I decided to see his page and maybe try to understand why he'd basically ignored me. Turns out he has a girlfriend. You tell me you want me... and I try to get a chance to hang out with you and get a feel for who you are now versus how I remember you and you blow me off.... THANKS ASS HOLE!  I'm not overly upset because part of me thinks that nothing has changed and I was setting myself up for disaster to think any different. but still its the principle of the situation. ya know? whatever, that's my life, I should be used to it.

I drove 185.6 miles roundtrip for a sleepover

So I finally met the "the wrestler". We've been texting for quite some time and we've always talked about meeting but the timing is always off. He lives an hour and half  away so it's not just practical for me to jump in the car and go. Well this past Thursday I did just that. It was ten o'clock and he was like come  over. I was feeling ballsy so I showered and got in my car and drove. It wasn't a bad drive, but I-4 really sucks. The speed limit starts out at 70 then gradually works it way down to 50 then back up to 70 just before getting off at his exit. I was paranoid the whole way about speeding or being pulled over but at the same token I really wanted to get where I was going. So when I got there i was super nervous. I didn't really know how to act or what to say. He's cute and much better looking in person. He was very respectful and even though he was exhausted he tried his best to stay up and entertain me. I drank an energy drink on the way over so I was full of energy. He has two dogs and they were well behaved. I got to meet with them and pet them for a little then he put them away in the other room and i didn't hear a peep from them for the rest of the night. It was nice. As we know from a previous blog I'm not a fan of dogs that run crazy and bark and scratch at the door when you lock them away.

I'm still shocked at myself for driving that far just to hang out with a guy. And if you happen to be thinking it, the answer is NO, we didn't have sex. We kissed. It was ok. He's not a bad kisser. there's certainly potential, but i'm not looking to get ahead of myself. He has big strong hands and arms and it felt so good to be in his arms kissing him. He's a total beef cake. He does have an intelligent side but at first glance you would just think he was a total meat head. His body is amazing. In the morning when I saw him in just his underware my first thought was "Oh damn!! I spent the night with that, how'd I get so lucky" I mean I'd show you, but then you just might hate me. So I didn't sleep very much when I was there. We went to bed around 5 am and by 8:30 I was wide awake. He was sleeping though. he snores and sleeps like a rock so I didn't feel concerned at all about my snoring. I normally don't like spending the night with any guy because im embarrassed about my snoring. It's loud, no lie.  But I drove an hour and half I wasn't going to drive another hour and a half back home with out resting. 

So everything about the night was perfect. The only thing missing was the simple fact that he's not my boyfriend. I can't say if he's the one. But I had to keep a certain level of distance I didn't want to find myself in a situation where I fall for a guy who doesn't feel the same. We've never talked about what he wants or what I want. I've been afraid to ask. I dont want him to think I'm looking to get married tomorrow. I dunno I'm going to approach the topic lightly if I decide to. Our future conversations might tell me everything I need to do without ever having to ask what he wants.

I love my boobs

So I've been hitting up the gym religiously since June 1st and I've lost weight. So far I'm down 31 lbs. I was stuck at 30 for a little but I'm working to get the pounds dropping off again. Anyways I've noticed that a couple of my bras are fitting me differently and it seems as though my boobs might be shrinking a little. That makes me sad. I love my boobs. Ive had them for so long and they have always been rather big. I have no idea what it is like to have to have small boobs. I'm praying that when I'm done loosing weight that I don't loose all my boobs. I'm famous for my cleavage. I really wouldn't know what to do without it.   Judge me if you want but I just can't have little boobs. I would seriously go under the knife and get plastic surgery to get my boobs back. I don't want like Pam Anderson boobs but I do want to look proportionate. A D-cup would be nice. I wouldn't go any bigger than that.  I love my boobs!  call me crazy. Boobs are a very feminine feature on a woman's body and create nice lines and curves that keep your body looking womanly and not manly. Plus I may be black but I wasn't blessed with a Beyonce booty so I make up for it with my boobs. You need at least one and you can't have none. I don't care what people say, looks are important to a certain degree and a certain level symmetry and curves makes you appealing. Nobody wants to date a refrigerator box.  Just saying.

So I know it's been awhile

So It's been some time. I've wanted to blog however I've been unmotivated. A little depressed really, I've been blogging since the end of February, so its been 7 months. Things have been rather stagnant...I kind of wish I had more exciting things to tell everyone about.  My personal life has been a rollercoaster. This past week I had to watch them put handcuffs on my brother and take him away. To think that every time I walk up stairs he's no longer going to be in his room asleep and snoring ridiculously loud or asleep on his toilet with the door wide open snoring ridiculously loud sucks. For the next however many years I'm going to have schedule times to talk to him on the phone or make appointments to see him where ever he ends up. I'm getting teary eyed just thinking about it. You never think it could happen to your family and then it does, and its earth-shattering, legit. I kid you not.

So on to another subject that isn't going to make me cry. I'm not in a crying mood right now. So I went to get a new tire on Friday morning and the guy who was changed my tires was cute and hitting on me. Inside I was blushing. I'm a man whore and I love the attention but when he mentioned that he had a kid my mind threw up all these red flags immediately. I honestly have a real metal block that doesn't even allow things to go anywhere. It's a Speed bump I put up that no man can get over. But he was cute. Now I'm quite sure he wasn't the one, but without giving him a shot how am I to know for sure. I'm beginning to think that my phobia is getting in the way. It seems like most guys these days have kids. I have to remember this isn't 5 years ago. Children are beautiful, but seriously?!?! Did everyone just forget about birth control? UGH.... my love life is doomed.